July 27, 2018
Its been a rough couple of weeks I have to say. More crap from the ex, more paperwork to get. I can't remember feeling so anxious or upset over having to do this kind of stuff. I felt week, belittled and beaten by his lawyers last letter. I know I shouldn't take it personally but its hard not to when your character is being assassinated. Then I think where is she getting her information. Oh yeah I know, then I think how could he. Says allot about his character.
Him feeling he had to tell me about his gambling was just a ply to suck me in and see if I still cared. I almost got sucked in, but at the end of the day this is no longer my issue. It's his he needs to deal with it once and for all, so I passed the information on to his children. Maybe they won't turn a blind eye anymore and will arm themselves with the information they need to convincew him to get help.
He keeps blaming my lawyer for taking to long responding to his. He knows I am having to use our line of credit now. It's hard to live on 1000 a month when physio alone costs 500. Yet he can afford to blow 1000 a month in slot machines. He thinks I am desperate to settle, but I won't take less than I am owed.
A friend said this to me a while ago about all this crap:
"They are trying to wear you down petal!! They are hoping, because he's conveyed your vulnerabilities, that you will get desperate and settle... It's such a friggen evil ploy, but that's the job his lawyer has been hired to do.... Think about it, mind games and manipulation...narcissistic attitudes.. Sound familiar?" Boy does it ever sound familiar.
More wise words from my friend "It's a jagged road my sweet, and you are recovering from a lot...not just the dipshit here, but your ex there... It all compounds, and it's natural that it overwhelms you... The things we cry a lot over, are the things that hurt us the most. Whilst we are in that state, look for the lesson. It's when we have learned and understood, that we take that strength back. There is a lot to be said for letting go, when you hurt so much. None of what happened to you was your doing. Give back the onus of terror and abuse. Gather the goodness and harmony that surrounds you now, that is your armour....
I thanked her for this reminder and she came back with this "I believe the the most important thing I can say to you is, it was all real, it didn't just happen in your head. You are one of the most level headed people I know... People screwed you over, but no more. You are captain, the leader, the warrior, and the bestest friend anyone could ask for...xxxxx
I do need to take back my life, it doesn't matter that other people don't understand or get why I left. What matters is that I regain my self esteem and begin to feel beautiful again. That's hard to do when you have been with someone for 17 years that wouldn't be intimate with you and it hurts even more that you fought for your life and he still couldn't bring himself to look at you or touch you. Life's to short, so I packed 2 suitcases and left.
Today's Quote:
July 9th 2018
So far we have had lots of warm weather some has been unbearable. So it gave me time to work on painting projects. I have to admit I did get a little cabin fever.
I've been going through some emotional stuff, allowing someone to suck me in with his problems. I really shouldn't care that he is lonely and depressed and has turned back to gambling, but its the years of being married to someone that can often make you still care. I try telling myself that its not my monkey not my circus. And to let the quilt go, its not my fault he had this problem long before I came along. I suggested counselling, but he says he took a long look in the mirror and he has it under control again. I've been hearing this for years.
I tried to get into see my councilor but they had no apts available so I talked to a friend. She helped me through it.
I find I am having some issues with anxiety after stopping cymbalta. I had an invite a while ago for dinner and a movie with some friends and just the though had me in utter agony and nausea so I cancelled and all the anxiety went away I had a similar experience this weekend, I had a bbq to go to and the nausea came back. I decided to press on and went to the bbq, the closer I got the nerves went away and so did the nausea. I had a fantastic time and am looking forward to getting out and listening to the group from the bbq play music.
I played my first game of golf in 2.5 years and was feeling anxious then to. Once I got on the course I did ok, a 64 for 9 holes, my putting let me down. I will get out there and do it again real soon.
So all in all I am managing ok, still working on the separation stuff, some days it upsets me others it pisses me off. I feel I have lost so much and am not sure when or where I will begin to rebuild my life. What does tomorrow hold for me? I still feel like I am in a cocoon at times and I have no idea when I will make my way out and spread my wings.
Only god knows, so for now I will let go and let god guide me.
Today's Quote:
April 30, 2018
Well we did get it, that last blast of winter, with 3 days of rain, freezing rain and snow. I spent most of it inside. Once it cleared up I went and helped my best friend with her Mom, she had 3 broken vertebra's and has just done it again, back in hospital waiting surgery, I'm not sure how much more she can take, she begs each day for that needle she saw on the news, just to end things. I feel so bad for them, but it is a process they are willing to look at. Soon I hope.
I made a few changes this past week. I blocked 4 people on Facebook that I should have done long ago, one being my ex. I also have changed my status to separated, something he did a few days after I left in Dec. I didn't do it hoping we would get back together, I needed to finish grieving the relationship first and stop listening to him tell me it was all my fault, it wasn't and yes I know it takes 2, I was the one enabling him to treat me the way he was. I had to realize I don't deserve that and deserve love and respect, for who I am.
I went to the trailer last Friday and put allot of stuff away preparing for opening day, its going to be allot of work, but truthfully I always did most of it myself, so I will get by with a little help from my friends. Once I'm all set up I'm good there till fall. Something I am looking forward to is reading and getting back to painting, maybe I will even try kayaking this summer. I've been going to physio and trying to rebuild muscles that I had lost with surgery. I am also looking into a mini elliptical machine,
I'm finding walking is so painful on my feet, at least it would be easier on all my joints. Maybe the beginning of the new me.
April 11, 2018
Today is sunny and yet a few clouds are still around, were in for another bast of winter this week. I'm so tired of it Could we please have some warmer weather.
I went to see my Councillor last week and am still struggling with my own self respect and body image. Sometimes I feel no one will ever look at me as a women again, something I need to work on. Telling myself that I am a good person, and that I have more to offer than just my breasts. But do men see past that, what do they see when they look at you, does it matter that I wear prosthetic. I just don't know. My wedding anniversary was last month and I sat on the day and cried for the man that treated me so poorly mentally and emotionally, I asked him if he thought of me on the day and he said to be honest NO.
I find it hard to put myself out there, I can joke about my life, but deep down I am hurt, and some what shy, I'm not sure if I would want to put myself out there for the dating scene. I think I will just rely on friends to go for dinner and enjoy a summer of golf, cards and lots of time on the water, if it ever warms up.
I still find it hard to believe that none of my brothers have bothered to call and see how I'm doing, but they have spoken to my ex. Strange that, it feels like a boys club, not a family.
March 14, 2018
We are half way through this month, I am glad I went to the trailer on the weekend and got the things I needed. It's been snowing for 3 days now, a foot of fresh snow at least.
I've decided to try and get out a bit, I'm going to a meet up at one of our local malls, there isn't much going on during the day time, but I will try the evening session, its only for an hour, so it will be good for a first outing, hope I don't chicken out.
It's hard to get out and meet new people, I guess I am a little shy, something that my ex wasn't he had to be the center of attention all the time, it didn't matter the setting, funerals, children's birthday parties, even nursing homes.
I'd rather stand back and watch people, see how they interact with other's. The snow this week has kept me in doors, I will head out for a walk this afternoon, while my son in law is visiting his son.
I started doing some weights today, I have been feeling much better the last couple of days, the first in 3 weeks. So am determined to work on my self before I go to the trailer for the summer. I will be back and forth to help with Oliver as needed, but I do need some alone time as well. I will be able to go for my counselling sessions more often as its just a few minutes away. Rebuilding my self esteem is going to take some time, I'm still reading lots and trying to think positively, but when I think back to my marriage it is so heart wrenching to think I put 16 years into this man that couldn't give me what I needed, HIM. One day I hope to truly know the reason why, his reasons don't make sense to me, I think there has to be openness in a marriage to tell each other their expectations and not to take it as putting down your man hood. Talking instead of pushing your partner away for years to the point I had no other choice but to leave and hopefully find someone one day that can look at my scars, love me, be able to touch me, make me feel like a women again. I know I deserve that.
Tomorrow is a new day.
March 9, 2017
Its been snowing for 3 days, yesterday I felt so cooped up, and emotional. I've been sick with croup and not getting much sleep at night as my inhalers are keeping me awake, I have had to used them 4xs a day and several puffs to get relief. I feel very weak at times and am hoping this goes away soon.
Oh yeah I also have a stye on my right eye, probably all the stress around me and in my own life.
My lawyer in Australia sent out the letter to my ex's lawyer, he didn't receive it well. I could use with out the stress, but apparently I forgot a few figures and got a few wrong, he would not likely take into account my chemo brain, once he prompted me I did remember a few things so told him I would send it through to the lawyer. Hope this gets settled soon. He thinks it will go to court, at least that is what he is threatening. He wasn't happy about showing his last six months bank statements, what could he have to hide?
Tomorrow is my grandson's first full day with his father at his house, I so hope it goes smoothly, I'd hate for him to have to go kicking and screaming, poor lad is only 2.5.
I'm heading to the trailer tomorrow to look for some papers I may need for the divorce and separation. It will be nice to get out of the house and see the trailer, check for damage from the winter.
I'm going to start going to a social meetup group next Thursday if I am feeling well enough, its just about getting out and meeting new people, its in the evening, which I hate going out at night, but I need to get out of the house. To much time on my own, makes me emotional.
March 7, 2018
For me it seems March has come in like a lion, my ex now claims that when I told him what I wanted before and during sex, called into question his manhood.
This is why he wasn't able to make love for years, we did try in the hot tub, that went ok, but he says I stopped it, I got sick with Cancer you nob. How is that someone can be so mollycoddled, that they can't even take suggestions to make their experience better. If this was the problem why wait 16 years to tell me, oh I know why, to make me feel even worse by saying I couldn't talk to you. What a crock.
From what I have read it is paramount to a relationship to be able to express ourselves. For some reason he didn't know how foreplay worked, he felt he just had to climb on and ride, for hours, no lubrication at all, I had to express to him that a women needs foreplay. What I wanted, often after we had made love I would cry, he thought it was because I hated it, I tried to explain it was the opposite, it felt so wonderful to be loved by him, that it made me cry to feel such happiness and it gave me hope. But this would usually be followed by years of nothing again.
He did try once in 2010, but that was the last time, again no foreplay and it hurt like heck because my body had changed from all the treatments and hormone therapy, I wasn't prepared with creams or jellies, so I cried once again. This was the last time he touched me.
I became more secluded with in myself, more self conscience to the point I would always get dressed or undressed in another room, he refers to it as covering up like a Muslim, I had a towel wrapped around me to get my clothes from the bedroom. He never tried to playfully remove it, nothing, what was I to expect. I receded further into my cocoon.
Now I am alone trying to pick up my pieces and move on, I know I can do it, It's just going to take time. That I have plenty of right now.
February 20, 2018
So when I returned to Australia on June 30, 2002, discovering the gambling, and also that Charlie was on dating websites with a picture I had taken of him on my second visit to see him. I felt pretty heart broken, what should I do. I found a picture called ancient mariner on his computer, I thought that was strange, but remembered him helping a mate of his get on a dating website, could I be right. So I started googling the name and guess what I found him. I created a fake name and email and found his profile, the things he put that he liked to do during sex was a bit shocking as I had seen none of this in our relationship. I quickly learned that he craved attention. He said he created it just to get the nice comments on it.
He of course promised to delete it and to get help for his gambling, he asked me to stay and give him another chance. He promised that the intimacy in our relationship would return. It never did.
Every 6 months it would come up, we tried counselling, there was never an answer as to why he was treating me like this.
This went on for 16 years to the point that I just felt like a room mate, cook and cleaner.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, I had a right mastectomy at the time and a left one in 2012. I have not had reconstruction, I've never felt well enough to endure the major surgery it would take to give me them. I had a pretty rough go of treatment 6 chemo and 25 radiation. I never felt fully comfortable with exposing myself to Charles as I felt it only made our intimacy problems worse. He never asked to see them he never touched them.
I felt I could not continue in this relationship any longer, he never gave me the attention I deserved.
February 16, 2018
Well allot has happened in the last 2 months. I had prepared for Christmas for Charlies side of the family in November and early December. I had been meeting with my new therapist to get over the guilt I was feeling about moving on with my life, and it didn't include my husband.
Since my second visit in April 2002 something had changed from the first visit, where we had fallen madly in love, spent a wonderful month together, seeing the sites of Sydney and surrounding areas. I felt so at home with him, we went to pubs watched bands play, met his friends and relatives. Had lunches with his children, and his daughter said something one day when her father was out of the room, she told me he use to have a terrible gambling habit and it could rear its ugly head at any time.
In April 2002 I returned to Australia for another visit to see if this was real, did we really have a great connection. Something seemed off we didn't make love when I first arrived, he seemed distance, we had 3 weeks together and even won a Honeymoon suite through his bowling club. We had a lovely in room hot tub, great dinner and awards night for his club. I tried to get him aroused, but nothing. I know I should have run for the hills, he obviously didn't want me there. What was the problem???
To this day I still don't know. I have asked many time, I got no where. I left and gave him a letter to try to address the problem. I had no idea when I would see him again or if ever.
In June that year I went through a terrible couple of weeks with my ex husband in Canada, and needed to find some place safe to live, Charlie invited me to come back to Australia. What was I going there for. I guessed we could be great friends. I flew out on June 30th 2002, to allot of uncertainty, but I knew I would be safe. I settled in and took on the role of cook, cleaner and room mate.
I quickly discovered Charlie did have a gambling problem and had asked about it on my previous visit, but he assured me he had it under control. But I could see by the thickness of his bank statements something was wrong, I asked him about it and he said we need to talk, so we went for a drive to the mountains. We got out and walked, I still remember Cat Stevens on the radio. He told me he had tried to stop gambling but couldn't do it on his own, he was even going at lunch time, after work before he would come home to me. He asked me to stay and help him. I said that I couldn't be a part of the gambling life, I had worked to hard to get where I was to fritter it all away, he agreed and promised to get help. We drove home and searched for a hypnotist, he started treatment the next week. He had some slip ups along the way, but it was about learning to treat himself, rebuild his self esteem. I encouraged him every step of the way.
I will continue this tomorrow.
