November 22,2017
I spent a great deal of the weekend doing Christmas Shopping and not feeling well, the stomach bug hit me Sunday afternoon. I've been pretty much under the weather ever since. So today while my tummy is feeling better I seem to have a pain when I breath in the middle of my heart.
Very strange, but am taking it easy today anyways.
I've been off Tamoxifen for almost 2 weeks now and have found a bit of difference in my pain levels, while my spine seems to be less painful, my left hip seems to be giving me more grief. I'm still walking daily and doing gentle exercises but have not been able to get back to curves as I had planned due to the level of pain I am in. So I may just change the name of this blog again. LOL
Back to Christmas, I'm in pretty good shape shopping wise and just have my son and his wife to buy for, do I get them something for the house, I tried a newish dining table and chairs, but they don't want one. so I was thinking a Home hardware gift card, possibly they need to do some painting. As for Oliver, I have gotten him a magazine and need to work on one other gift that is not a toy.
I'll just send a money transfer for my Mom, my brother will divvy it out to her as she needs it.
I began seeing a physiologist last week and while it was upsetting talking about the past and what I want for my future I feel I made progress. We discussed why I am a stayer, why I feel guilty about hurting people who have hurt me for years. I hate to disappoint and right now I feel that I will have failed if I walk away from my marriage, yet I am so over pretending that everything is normal. I know it is not normal to live in a celibate marriage for 14 years and even before. There was always the promise of changes coming even before we got married. I've been doing this for 41 years in total, when is it my time, when do I feel that I am truly loved for who I am inside and out. I have enough self doubt issues due to my cancer and double mastectomy. How long do I put up with being pushed away. Some days the feeling of depression and isolation is to much to bare. But I look at my beautiful children and grand children and know that I will get there.
November 10, 2017
On Tuesday this week I made the trip to Sydney by train, I must say it was a relaxing way to travel.
I stayed with friends and we had a great evening catching up, I hadn't seen them for a year.
On Wednesday I was off to Concord Hospital to see my Oncologist Professor Phillip Beale. I was nervous about this appointment as I needed to discuss with him the pain I am having in my spine and other joints, I keep telling myself that its just the arthritis from the tamoxifen. I mentioned this and he asked me several questions, I told him this was my worst year yet, I have taken more pain meds that ever before. I broke down in tears and told him I am so sick of being in pain, and I know I only have 1 more year on Tamoxifen and I felt I could do it. He asked when my last spinal xray was and I told him I had never had one. He felt it was time for one as he said, this pain can be one of three things, from the Tamoxifen, Arthritis, or my cancer had returned to my spine. He decided to run some blood tests, send me for an xray and book a bone scan. I did the blood tests and xray before I left the hospital, the full body bone scan is next week here in Port Macquarie.
Dr Beale rang me 3 hours later to tell me that there was no cancer in my spine and my cancer markers were good. So just waiting on the arthritis marker and bone scan, but expect it to be from tamoxifen induced arthritis.
For now I am taking a month off Tamoxifen to see if some of my pain eases up. This will be a welcome break, and we will see what the bone scan says and decide from there if I stay on it or for go the last year.
November 5, 2017
I have had an wonderful relaxing weekend by myself. I've taken walks on the beach, around the park and up to the shops, ate my favorite foods and relaxed with a drink or two.
I've managed to clean my bathroom from top to bottom and helped our new neighbor out with her shower. The people she bought from were pigs, the shower glass was so dirty you couldn't tell if someone was in the shower or not. She is a lovely 80 year old lady and has been in hospital with a heart attack, we think all over the mess the place was left in. Poor thing, so that was my good deed yesterday, I cleaned her shower for her and replaced some glass in a frame for her. And gave her a nice bowl of homemade chicken soup.
I recently read a book by Suzy Welch called 10 minutes, 10 months or 10 years.
Here is a little info from this book, "We all want to lead a life of our own choosing. But in today’s
accelerated world, with its competing priorities, information overload,
and confounding options, we can easily find ourselves steered by
impulse, stress, or expedience. Are our decisions the right ones? Or
are we being governed, time and time again, and against our best
intentions, by the demands of the moment? With 10-10-10, Welch proposes a
transformative solution to deal with this pressure, as she shares her
own life-tested strategy to help us regain control of our choices - and
reclaim our lives."
I found this book empowering and have used it a few times. I have to go to Sydney this week to see my Oncologist, I have decided to take the train down, my reason: I couldn't ride in the car with my husbands driving for 10 more minutes, he drives with 2 feet, we don't own a standard, its an automatic, so there is no need to throw your passenger around at every round about or stop light. I have asked him to stop and let it be known to him how bad it makes my back pain. I gave him another chance last week before I made my decision and he did it again, so I told him I would be taking the train to Sydney, why, I said I can't take your driving for 10 more minutes. He said and you think the train is going to be any better, my reply was it would be relaxing. I'm planning on downloading this book to listen to again on my way down, its a 7 hour train ride.
I feel his reaction is very disrespectful to me. But I won't harp on it, I'll just make other arrangements for me.
Quote " There is no guilt for looking after me"
November 3, 2017
I backed away from my blog for a while, it had been along time since I had felt I had something to say. Life gets busy and our lives sometimes take a turn we don't expect. We are still doing the summers, we usually go to Canada in May and back to Australia in October.
Last year was different, we arrived back to Australia October 1st 2017 as we had a wedding to attend on Norfolk Island. If we hadn't of had the wedding I would have stayed in Canada, I was feeling lost, anxious and had spent the summer talking to a councilor. I felt like I deserved so much more from my husband, emotionally and physically. And the situation had been going on for many many years.
We talked and decided we should try counseling in Australia.
After the wedding, I had a call in early November that my nephew Chris had passed away suddenly from an Aneurysm, its a hereditary medical problem in our family. I decided to fly home to Canada for the funeral and to help my niece deal with the shock of loosing her husband at 45. My Mom took ill after the funeral and I stayed to help with her, then my grandson got pneumonia for the first time, he had it several more times during the winter. I decided to stay in Canada, have my hand surgery, help with Oliver (my grandson) as well as my daughter through her major surgery in March.
This would give my husband time to see a councilor and try to sort out his issues. I enjoyed my time with family. I agreed to come back to Australia this year in hopes that we could save our marriage.
I was given a book by a friend this summer and I have found the daily readings have helped me alot to learn to look after myself, not to take on issues of my husbands, like him sneaking around smoking all summer, I'm learning that its not always my issue and to let go and let god. Breath.
So I am going back to curves to work on myself, I need to continue my fitness journey, get stronger, fitter, for me.
I will attempt to write more often.
