So far we have had lots of warm weather some has been unbearable. So it gave me time to work on painting projects. I have to admit I did get a little cabin fever.
I've been going through some emotional stuff, allowing someone to suck me in with his problems. I really shouldn't care that he is lonely and depressed and has turned back to gambling, but its the years of being married to someone that can often make you still care. I try telling myself that its not my monkey not my circus. And to let the quilt go, its not my fault he had this problem long before I came along. I suggested counselling, but he says he took a long look in the mirror and he has it under control again. I've been hearing this for years.
I tried to get into see my councilor but they had no apts available so I talked to a friend. She helped me through it.
I find I am having some issues with anxiety after stopping cymbalta. I had an invite a while ago for dinner and a movie with some friends and just the though had me in utter agony and nausea so I cancelled and all the anxiety went away I had a similar experience this weekend, I had a bbq to go to and the nausea came back. I decided to press on and went to the bbq, the closer I got the nerves went away and so did the nausea. I had a fantastic time and am looking forward to getting out and listening to the group from the bbq play music.
I played my first game of golf in 2.5 years and was feeling anxious then to. Once I got on the course I did ok, a 64 for 9 holes, my putting let me down. I will get out there and do it again real soon.
So all in all I am managing ok, still working on the separation stuff, some days it upsets me others it pisses me off. I feel I have lost so much and am not sure when or where I will begin to rebuild my life. What does tomorrow hold for me? I still feel like I am in a cocoon at times and I have no idea when I will make my way out and spread my wings.
Only god knows, so for now I will let go and let god guide me.
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