The end of another year

December 31, 2019

Thinking of the past decade or so I am reminded that I was unsure if I would even see 2009, here I am in 2020 feeling stronger and more confident than I have since my cancer diagnosis, Over the last two years I have learned to love myself again, be able to look at my scars and be proud of the battle I won.I don't make resolutions, I'm just always grateful to see the next year and my birthday roll around. I will continue to go to the gym, something I have enjoyed over the years and now living across from it I go at least 5 days a week. I continue to walk when I can when the arthritis in my feet isn't playing up. lol I am grateful for living so close the Rideau Carlton Casino where I continue to go and listen to live music, I always feel comfortable going there whether it be alone or with a new dance partner. I'm grateful for the friends and family that have supported me for so long I can't put dates on it, but you all know who you are. Often friends are the family we don't have near by. I'm grateful for my children and grand children that continue to amaze me everyday, watching them all grow and succeed is what kept me going so long ago. I remember being at Aunty Floras birthday in December 2008 and she saying to me, Lassy the color is coming back in your eyes, your going to be ok. She was right, I am doing ok, with my life my decisions and for my future. I am grateful for being able to travel and I have plans for a few trips in my future. So the reason I put the photo of the lit box is that where there is light there is hope, never give up. May 2020 be everyone's best year yet.
Happy New Years to everyone near and far, It is with Love that I wish you all the very best going forward. xo

So It Starts

October 28, 2019

Well I did it, survived my first day at the gym, I was nervous, but pushed the nerves aside and walked in as if I had been going for ages. I've recorded my start weight and measurements.
I did 15 minutes on the Elliptical and 15 on the treadmill, I did lat pull downs, tomorrow I will make a note of what weights I did, Leg press I started out at 50 and went up to 75 for 40 total.chest press and free weight, working biceps, triceps and shoulders. I took an 8lb ball and did waist work, lots of stretching as well.
Its a start, I will aim for 5 days a week. I still walk alot so that won't change, but will enhance what I do at the gym, I may try to talk to one of the trainers and see what they can help with.

I accomplished alot yesterday as it rained, so I hung lots of pictures sorted things in the spare room, just need to hang curtains in there.
Having lunch tomorrow with my friend Russel, looking forward to seeing him.

Other friend decided since he had his blood work done saturday morning it would be ok to go on a bender, I guess its true, leopards can't change their spots.

Enjoying The Fall

October 26, 2019

Well where to begin, the last 2 weeks have been busy and at times still drama filled.
I spoke to a friend about the fella I have been helping, she said to run,  he will never stay sober, I know I don't need this in my life, I've made a difference to him, I don't know where this will lead and for now were just friends. I stayed at his place for the last week to be there as support for his withdrawal, his slip up has only been 12 days so all in all its not to bad, except his liver wasn't coping at all and he turned jaundice. He redid his blood work and his bilirubin was 250. His specialist told him to go to Emergency asap, so off we went, 9.5 hours later we came out with maybe what he needed to hear, he is in early stages of cyrosis of the liver, he can never drink again unless he has a death wish, also the steroids he miss used have also caused damage to his liver. He has been sober for a week and a day.
I came home Thursday as I have things to do. He hugged me and said he truly believes I was his guardian angel sent to make him see just what he was doing to himself. He said he didn't think there were such kind people still on this earth, I pull no punches and tell it as I see it, I told him what he was doing was killing himself, and his children did not deserve to stand by and watch what he was doing to himself. His Son has thanked me numerous times for helping his father. He said I just couldn't deal with it right now, poor kid had exams at college and needed to concentrate, I told him it shouldn't be his issue, he and his sister should be reason enough for his Dad to be a better parent and person.

So today I look forward to spending a few hours with my grandson, he is such a beautiful child, so loving and easy going, tells me several times during his visit that he loves me.  We are going to be painting and baking today, he is the calm in my recent storm.

I will be visiting my friend tomorrow, he is making me dinner after me being there for him the last 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to a dinner prepared by someone else.  What will be will be, one day at a time.

I also joined the gym across the road from me I'm looking forward to starting a routine again, I've missed this in my life and its how this blog started in the first place. Maybe I'll post more often now.

My New Beginning

October 14, 2019

Well I've moved into my new place, I've rented a 2 bedroom apartment not far from my daughter's.
Some days are over whelming, I get so tired out. It's worth it, my place has really come together. It's not easy starting over, it has taken me almost 2 years to get to this point.

A year ago I went to Scotland and helped a family that needed some TLC after the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds. I still believe I was saved from death from cancer to do good, to help others.
During this flight I befriended a man and his son from England, I took care of them in Halifax for 24 hours, we are still friends today.
I spent the summer helping an elderly gentleman from Pennsylvania, enjoy his last summer in Canada, we tore motors apart, put them back together, I cleaned for him, shopped for him, spent time fishing with him. He always said Thank You, gave me a few dollars and was so happy when he went home a few weeks ago knowing he had a great last summer in Canada. He has been coming here since he was 14.

I have sold my summer trailer and will live in the city full time now. There are lots of things to do here, and I hope to do some travelling as well. I have a gf here and we are planning on taking yoga class together, we worked together for many years and have always kept in touch even when I lived in Australia. I do need to get out and meet new people. It has taken me nearly 2 years to learn to believe in myself and realize I deserve to be happy and find someone to spend time with, I've met a couple of fellows that have turned out to be good friends, we enjoy each other's company, but nothing serious.
I recently met someone and loved reading his bio, he had messaged me first, unfortunately he has become another project, I realized on my second visit that he had some issues and I was the one to pull it all out of him, I truly believe he is a decent man and has great values under the layers of addiction, first to steroids, then to alcohol an addiction from his past, I've given him support this week, filled his fridge with food, cleaned his home up, did his laundry, encouraged him to reach out to his Councillors, which he has, his liver enzymes are through the roof, I got rid of his steroids, he has spoken to his son, his Mom and ex wife, he has the support, oh and did I mention he is also Bipolar 1. I can not be this mans crutch, I can be a friend, I was put in his path for a reason, why I'm not sure unless its just to help him see his self worth, I'm drawing back, the ball is in his court. I've asked his son to keep me posted on his recovery. I really can't do anything else, I think I've done enough.

I'm sure there is someone out there that would like to meet me, that isn't full of drama, lol I have lots to offer, I can be more than a Councillor.
Here is to change for the ones that need it.

The Boat

June 20th, 2019

Well on Monday I decided it was time to get the boat out, uncover it, clean it get it in the water so I could put it up for sale. A 24ft pontoon boat is way to much for me to handle and keep.
So I started with the tarp and usually I would untie all the ropes, put them together and store them but since I had decided to sell it, I took a knife to them and man it felt so good to do that, with each pull of the rope I felt release, see I never wanted a boat, but my ex did and he now lives in Australia so I was left with it in the separation.  It was now time to pull the tarp off, I started at the front and gave a big pull, its a big tarp so I had to keep walking backwards as I pulled, with a mighty woosh it was finally off. 
I climbed up on the trailer to step in and my heart sank, something had eaten the seats, console and anything they could get their little teeth and claws on. Oh my, for a moment I was over whelmed, then I climbed down got my phone, took some pictures, and emailed my insurance broker, asking her if it was possibly covered.
In the mean time I decided to take the wooden frame off it by myself, the person who was going to help me decided to ignore me, so it was just me, it took me a few hours to get it off, but in a way it felt so damn good to have done it with out a man. As I was finishing my elderly neighbor came by feeling bad he couldn't help me, I assured him it was fine, I had done it. I decided to check under one of the areas on the boat to see how much damage their was, and low and behold a raccoon was in their staring back at me. I ran like heck to the front of the boat saying its still in there. I jumped down and Harry took me to find a live trap so we could trap and release it, I set the trap in place and began banging on the back of the boat and guess what, Momma came out and so did her 5 babies. Oh my goodness, I caught 1 baby in the trap and that just made Momma mad, she did try to get the babies to follow her but no go, So I climbed up in and helped them to go in the right direction with a bit of force. 1 baby did try to get back in, but Momma came back after dark and took it away.
The good part about all this is that insurance did cover it and I got way more for it than I did in the divorce. So I'm feeling like I had a win this week and I'm very happy to put this behind me, with a big smile on my face. 

Planning

June 15, 2019

A few things have happened in the last couple of months. I finished my trip to Australia with a 1 week trip to the Solomon Islands where I relaxed and swam and ate wonderful food prepared by a dear friend, I met some wonderful people and made new life long friends. Lots of chats and wine consumed, a visit to a local school. I was saddened to see how poor the people are and the school was mediocre at best, holes in the walls, mold every where and very filthy. There are very few books for the children to use for reading and practicing their English. The ladies of the executives that work for SOL Tuna try to make a difference by volunteering a couple of afternoons a week. I bought each of the children in the English class a diary and pen to practice their writing of English. I left Noro feeling refreshed and ready to start planning my life.

The first thing I did when I got back was start the transfer of funds from my Australian bank so I could begin the process of investing the money and look for a place to buy in the fall.
I opened my summer trailer so I have a place to live for the next few months.

I no longer feel sad, I'm feeling optimistic that I can do this, I can push on and make a new life for myself. I have been picking up a few things that I will be needing in the event I get my place in the next few months. Starting from scratch means exactly that, I have nothing but my clothes and the will to make it on my own.

On June 3 I passed 11 years since I was diagnosed with Stage 3B Breast Cancer, I beat all odds, I had a 50/50 chance to survive and here I am, on July 25, 2019 it will be my 11 year cure date. I still can't thank my team enough for saving my life. I sometimes get sad when I hear of others who have not made it, I think why was I spared, then I remind myself that god has a reason for all of us, I believe mine is to do good for others and be kind, my granddaughter says I am the kindest person she knows, kindness is one thing that costs nothing and I do it regularly.

FREE

March 23, 2019

Free, what does that word mean.
This is what the dictionary says : 

1.     able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

"I have no ambitions other than to have a happy life and be free"

1.      2.not or no longer confined or imprisoned.

"the researchers set the birds free"

synonyms:

on the loose, at liberty, at large;  loose, unconfined, unbound, untied, unchained, untethered, unshackled, unfettered, unrestrained, unsecured

So since my settlement is nearly finished just waiting on the transfer of funds, I decided it was time for me to start fresh and be free as a bird. So I got another tattoo, 

The second tattoo I got means New Beginnings

For me, really, new beginnings happen every second.  Every day is a new beginning, as is every hour.  Something is always being born — changing — passing — and renewing.  That’s how life flows — not quite in a linear stream, but in fractals and holograms.  We move and have our being within these dimensions, and this year we are learning how to master our dimensions of time and space and allow them to flow without hindrance.

So both of these speak volumes to me,, I want nothing more to be free of the past years with a man who didn't know how to love or love anyone but himself, my new beginning is to accept my body for what it is and find a love with in myself to be able to allow someone new in, I'm in no hurry as I was just saying to a friend, I feel sad today and I don't really know why, possibly for the loss of my ex mother in law who passed away yesterday, or possibly for knowing I am going home soon and  not knowing where to rebuild my life or just how hard it is going to be to restart again from nothing. I know I can do it, I just have to remember to allow others who want to help me, and let them. That's probably one of the hardest things to do.

So for now I shall pray and as they say let go and let god.

Healing

March 11,2019

I went to see an Orthopedic Specialist named Dr Babba in Parramatta, I had new xrays of my fractured elbow last week as its catching when I open it, he feels its a tare in the cartilage and its getting caught where the broken piece hasn't healed yet, so for now its a watch and see. I'll try to see him before I leave for Canada next month. If its not healing I'll have to have the piece of cartilage removed surgically. So all in all not bad news.

My friend Michelle is back home, we have chatted a few times, he has been offered a job in Lebanon, he has till end of April to decide what he wants to do, I know what I would like him to do. Our friendship means allot to me, he has done so much for me as far as healing my self esteem. I've asked him to take me to a wedding in May, fingers are crossed.  Our plan is to get together over the summer if he is still here. A girl can hope.

I am hoping my ex takes the deal we offered last week, I have my doubts but again a girl can hope, It would really help me heal and start my knew life maybe even go home early. I've been feeling home sick and find myself getting teary at times thinking of the last couple of years, I need to let this all go.
Move on, make new friends, get out and enjoy life. Purchase lots of nice things for my new apartment.
Become independent again, maybe even go on a date, I plan on going to more meet ups, try and avoid the dating website, they aren't very trustworthy. I want to spread my wings and fly.

Something for me

March 5, 2019
I went shopping with Beth yesterday, I've been looking for a 10 year anniversary ring with 10 stones to mark my 10 years survival from Breast Cancer. We went to many stores but all would take 6 weeks to have the ring built because of the size I wanted. Then we decided to look for a ring that would fit my pinky finger. We went to the last shop and he was very determined to find me 1. He was very patient and looked and counted every stone till he finally found one. I fell in love with it instantly.
It was a bit more than I wanted to spend but I felt I was worth it. This was for me and I never spend money on myself, I've spent so much time this past year just surviving on what little money I had as my ex has not paid me 1 red cent in 15 months.

I also got myself a couple of tattoos on Valentines day, again something just for me, The first is a pink ribbon with a black half a heart. The meaning is for the survivors, the black heart is for the ones that didn't survive, I sometimes feel guilty that I am still here when a young mother of 40 is not. So I try to do as many good deeds as I can. The other says Survivor and has my first date of chemo on it.

Not sure what the family will say but does it matter its my life, my body.

Sad to say goodbye

March 4, 2019

I was at Concord Hospital this week to see Dr Phillip Beale, I had some uterine tests done recently and to check for thickening in the Uterine wall. While there was some it was within normal range.
I met with the intern first and we went over a few things from history. She loved my tattooed sleeve.
I showed her my real tattoo.She liked them as well. I've been advised by them to begin weening off the Catapress since I've been off Tamoxifen now for a few weeks. I took Tamoxifen for 10 years and Catapress for 7 years. I find since I've been off the Tamoxifen I am a bit more emotional. Hopefully with time I will begin to feel much better. I've been told that the symptoms from the Tamoxifen may not change at all. Which is a bit disheartening, I'd love to get my memory and brain cells in general back. My vision and my joints have suffered as well. So as I hugged Dr Beale good bye he said you have so much to be thankful for and a bright future, if your back this way please stop in and see us here. The tears ran freely down my cheeks, its scarry to be let go, but i'm ready to move on start this next chapter of my life, yes the 10 years have been long and hard, the last 2 years have been harder making the decision to leave my husband in Dec 2017.

On now to better things, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm looking forward to regaining my independence after my divorce and settlement are done. I plan on spending the summer at the trailer and then by fall get a nice 2 bedroom apartment.  A new vehicle once I get home is on the cards as well.
I'll plan over the summer where I want to live and and start buying the things I'll need. Since I am starting from scratch again, I'll try to get a few bargains and even look on the free sights. My daughter will help out as well, I know she has some pots and pans. So cheers to me,, 

Months of Change

February 26,2019

I was reminded recently of my blog and had always felt it was a safe place to write and that no one I knew ever read it. Well out with some mates on Friday and was asked by a friend what had happened, she said she gathered something had and she noticed my blog link on instagram. SHE READ IT. 
Oh my I didn't expect anyone to read it. It had been a trying year and months. I hadn't written since last summer. So lots has happened since then. 
I had asked my Ex to fill in an affidavit so I could file for the divorce under the married but just living together since there had been no physical relationship in over 13 years. I asked him about the papers a few times and he finally answered back, once I had accepted his settlement, meaning he wanted me to settle for what ever he gave me. It's now February and I just refiled as I am in Australia and its been over a year so he can't hold the separation part over my head anymore.
The separation is going to mediation in March and they asked to have the venue and type changed but the registrar has said no and it will be better for me to leave it and the type where it is. Their way could see it drag on for months.

In October 2018 I was asked to go to Scotland to assist a family that the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds and 3 kids under 7, this was just to much for her hubby to be handling not to mention he was trying to work a new job . Jennifer is a good friend of my daughters and I had thought about offering but waited till I was asked. I was the next day, of course my Ex heard about this and told people I was going on holidays. I didn't pay my way or go anywhere once I got there.
On my way there I was held up in Halifax for 24 hours because of plane issues. It took 5 hours to change our tickets and get vouchers. In the line I met a wonderful British Man Mark and his Son Jordan. We hit it off immediately, joking and making light of the fact were had all been awake now for 24 hours. We got things changed and were told to head to the end of the airport for a taxi. Just then I spotted one doing a drop off at the nearest door to us. I said come on fellas I'll see if he is heading back to the city. Thank god he was. We got in and Mark asked Michelle the taxi driver to look at our vouchers he is sure were going to different places, I said no its 2 hotels in one, He still argues and Michelle agrees he knows where we need to go. Finally Mark believes me. Michelle turns to me and asks how long have you 2 been married. I said were not I just picked them up in the airport. He had a good laugh about it. We all chatted easily on the 45 minute ride to the city. 
Michelle called my phone so we would have his number the next day he offered to take us a driving tour in the afternoon. Sounded great to us. While in line at the hotel Mark says to me is your name Sandra. I turned and looked at him and said I didn't tell you my name. He held up my hotel voucher apparently Michelle mixed them up. LOL  

I open my phone and notice a missed call, I say darn I missed a call. Mark says didn’t Michelle call and hang up, oh yeah he did, just then he is calling. I answer he says Jordon left his back pack in the back seat. Do we want him to bring it by now or give it to them later when we go for the drive.  I ask Jordan and he would like it now, so Michelle says he will bring it on his next trip back from the airport. It’s now 6:30 am we get in our rooms. I go to brush my teeth and discover that my shampoo has exploded in my make up bag, in my toothbrush and hair brush, it took me ages to wash it out. I got my pjs on and just laid down, its now nearly 7am. I hear a knock on the door. Its Jordan he wants to know if Michelle came back yet. I try to call him, no answer I assume he is driving. So I send a text, and tell Jordan I will let him know when I hear back from him. 15 minutes later he calls to say he dropped it off. Then I spend 10 minutes trying to reach Jordan and Mark to tell them but they keep hanging up on me, guess they didn’t know how to use a hotel phone.  I decide I might better take a hot bath as my back is sore from no sleep and standing in line to much. Its now 8 am so I figure I may as well try to eat something, I head to the breakfast buffet. I had some fruit and yogurt. I’m really to tired to eat. I decide that maybe I can lay down now and nap. I just get settled in and a knock comes to the door again. For gods sake can a girl not close her eyes for 30 minutes. It’s housekeeping, she wants to know when I am checking out. I had to work hard to refrain from bad language but I had had it, I said I just got here 2 hours ago and they said he had till noon. Oh she says sorry, I guess you were the people from the plane last night. I said yes we are. So by now its 9am and I decide I'm awake again and better see where the boys are. They are down eating, looking as tired as I am. I offer to take them on a walking tour of Halifax and they agree, They shower and I have the hotel hold our bags for us and off we go by 10 am. We walk and chat for hours poor Jordan is so tired he lost his brekky. Mark i discovered is a diabetic and all the walking is causing his sugar to go out of wack, farmers aren't use to walking they ride quad bikes or tractors. LOL  We head for lunch and finish up about 1 pm and Mark says do you think that taxi guy was serious about the driving tour. I said all I can do is call. He said I'll be there is 10 minutes.He was and we picked up our luggage and headed for Dartmouth. He drove us around for 4 hours before taking us back to the airport. We gave him a tip and had hugs all around. 

Now the reason I told this story was these 2 men did more for my self esteem than my EX ever did. They couldn't believe I was going to Scotland to help a family I didn't know. I said God spared my life for a reason 10 years before and I try to give back where I can. I help and old fella all summer so he can enjoy his time on the lake, it could be his last year. My ex has always hated my good deeds. It took time from him his jealousy always showed.

I still keep in touch with both these men, as its said people come into our lives for a reason, they are both like family now. I know I could talk to them about anything and they would have my back, something I could not count on with my own brothers.