FREE

March 23, 2019

Free, what does that word mean.
This is what the dictionary says : 

1.     able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

"I have no ambitions other than to have a happy life and be free"

1.      2.not or no longer confined or imprisoned.

"the researchers set the birds free"

synonyms:

on the loose, at liberty, at large;  loose, unconfined, unbound, untied, unchained, untethered, unshackled, unfettered, unrestrained, unsecured

So since my settlement is nearly finished just waiting on the transfer of funds, I decided it was time for me to start fresh and be free as a bird. So I got another tattoo, 

The second tattoo I got means New Beginnings

For me, really, new beginnings happen every second.  Every day is a new beginning, as is every hour.  Something is always being born — changing — passing — and renewing.  That’s how life flows — not quite in a linear stream, but in fractals and holograms.  We move and have our being within these dimensions, and this year we are learning how to master our dimensions of time and space and allow them to flow without hindrance.

So both of these speak volumes to me,, I want nothing more to be free of the past years with a man who didn't know how to love or love anyone but himself, my new beginning is to accept my body for what it is and find a love with in myself to be able to allow someone new in, I'm in no hurry as I was just saying to a friend, I feel sad today and I don't really know why, possibly for the loss of my ex mother in law who passed away yesterday, or possibly for knowing I am going home soon and  not knowing where to rebuild my life or just how hard it is going to be to restart again from nothing. I know I can do it, I just have to remember to allow others who want to help me, and let them. That's probably one of the hardest things to do.

So for now I shall pray and as they say let go and let god.

Healing

March 11,2019

I went to see an Orthopedic Specialist named Dr Babba in Parramatta, I had new xrays of my fractured elbow last week as its catching when I open it, he feels its a tare in the cartilage and its getting caught where the broken piece hasn't healed yet, so for now its a watch and see. I'll try to see him before I leave for Canada next month. If its not healing I'll have to have the piece of cartilage removed surgically. So all in all not bad news.

My friend Michelle is back home, we have chatted a few times, he has been offered a job in Lebanon, he has till end of April to decide what he wants to do, I know what I would like him to do. Our friendship means allot to me, he has done so much for me as far as healing my self esteem. I've asked him to take me to a wedding in May, fingers are crossed.  Our plan is to get together over the summer if he is still here. A girl can hope.

I am hoping my ex takes the deal we offered last week, I have my doubts but again a girl can hope, It would really help me heal and start my knew life maybe even go home early. I've been feeling home sick and find myself getting teary at times thinking of the last couple of years, I need to let this all go.
Move on, make new friends, get out and enjoy life. Purchase lots of nice things for my new apartment.
Become independent again, maybe even go on a date, I plan on going to more meet ups, try and avoid the dating website, they aren't very trustworthy. I want to spread my wings and fly.

Something for me

March 5, 2019
I went shopping with Beth yesterday, I've been looking for a 10 year anniversary ring with 10 stones to mark my 10 years survival from Breast Cancer. We went to many stores but all would take 6 weeks to have the ring built because of the size I wanted. Then we decided to look for a ring that would fit my pinky finger. We went to the last shop and he was very determined to find me 1. He was very patient and looked and counted every stone till he finally found one. I fell in love with it instantly.
It was a bit more than I wanted to spend but I felt I was worth it. This was for me and I never spend money on myself, I've spent so much time this past year just surviving on what little money I had as my ex has not paid me 1 red cent in 15 months.

I also got myself a couple of tattoos on Valentines day, again something just for me, The first is a pink ribbon with a black half a heart. The meaning is for the survivors, the black heart is for the ones that didn't survive, I sometimes feel guilty that I am still here when a young mother of 40 is not. So I try to do as many good deeds as I can. The other says Survivor and has my first date of chemo on it.

Not sure what the family will say but does it matter its my life, my body.

Sad to say goodbye

March 4, 2019

I was at Concord Hospital this week to see Dr Phillip Beale, I had some uterine tests done recently and to check for thickening in the Uterine wall. While there was some it was within normal range.
I met with the intern first and we went over a few things from history. She loved my tattooed sleeve.
I showed her my real tattoo.She liked them as well. I've been advised by them to begin weening off the Catapress since I've been off Tamoxifen now for a few weeks. I took Tamoxifen for 10 years and Catapress for 7 years. I find since I've been off the Tamoxifen I am a bit more emotional. Hopefully with time I will begin to feel much better. I've been told that the symptoms from the Tamoxifen may not change at all. Which is a bit disheartening, I'd love to get my memory and brain cells in general back. My vision and my joints have suffered as well. So as I hugged Dr Beale good bye he said you have so much to be thankful for and a bright future, if your back this way please stop in and see us here. The tears ran freely down my cheeks, its scarry to be let go, but i'm ready to move on start this next chapter of my life, yes the 10 years have been long and hard, the last 2 years have been harder making the decision to leave my husband in Dec 2017.

On now to better things, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm looking forward to regaining my independence after my divorce and settlement are done. I plan on spending the summer at the trailer and then by fall get a nice 2 bedroom apartment.  A new vehicle once I get home is on the cards as well.
I'll plan over the summer where I want to live and and start buying the things I'll need. Since I am starting from scratch again, I'll try to get a few bargains and even look on the free sights. My daughter will help out as well, I know she has some pots and pans. So cheers to me,,