There is HOPE

April 30, 2018

Well we did get it, that last blast of winter, with 3 days of rain, freezing rain and snow. I spent most of it inside. Once it cleared up I went and helped my best friend with her Mom, she had 3 broken vertebra's and has just done it again, back in hospital waiting surgery, I'm not sure how much more she can take, she begs each day for that needle she saw on the news, just to end things. I feel so bad for them, but it is a process they are willing to look at. Soon I hope.

I made a few changes this past week. I blocked 4 people on Facebook that I should have done long ago, one being my ex. I also have changed my status to separated, something he did a few days after I left in Dec.  I didn't do it hoping we would get back together, I needed to finish grieving the relationship first and stop listening to him tell me it was all my fault, it wasn't and yes I know it takes 2, I was the one enabling him to treat me the way he was. I had to realize I don't deserve that and deserve love and respect, for who I am. 

I went to the trailer last Friday and put allot of stuff away preparing for opening day, its going to be allot of work, but truthfully I always did most of it myself, so I will get by with a little help from my friends. Once I'm all set up I'm good there till fall. Something I am looking forward to is reading and getting back to painting, maybe I will even try kayaking this summer. I've been going to physio and trying to rebuild muscles that I had lost with surgery. I am also looking into a mini elliptical machine,
I'm finding walking is so painful on my feet, at least it would be easier on all my joints. Maybe the beginning of the new me.

A New Month

April 11, 2018

Today is sunny and yet a few clouds are still around, were in for another bast of winter this week. I'm so tired of it Could we please have some warmer weather.

I went to see my Councillor last week and am still struggling with my own self respect and body image. Sometimes I feel no one will ever look at me as a women again, something I need to work on. Telling myself that I am a good person, and that I have more to offer than just my breasts. But do men see past that, what do they see when they look at you, does it matter that I wear prosthetic. I just don't know.  My wedding anniversary was last month and I  sat on the day and cried for the man that treated me so poorly mentally and emotionally, I asked him if he thought of me on the day and he said to be honest NO. 
I find it hard to put myself out there, I can joke about my life, but deep down I am hurt, and some what shy, I'm not sure if I would want to put myself out there for the dating scene. I think I will just rely on friends to go for dinner and enjoy a summer of golf, cards and lots of time on the water, if it ever warms up.

I still find it hard to believe that none of my brothers have bothered to call and see how I'm doing, but they have spoken to my ex. Strange that, it feels like a boys club, not a family.