March 14, 2018
We are half way through this month, I am glad I went to the trailer on the weekend and got the things I needed. It's been snowing for 3 days now, a foot of fresh snow at least.
I've decided to try and get out a bit, I'm going to a meet up at one of our local malls, there isn't much going on during the day time, but I will try the evening session, its only for an hour, so it will be good for a first outing, hope I don't chicken out.
It's hard to get out and meet new people, I guess I am a little shy, something that my ex wasn't he had to be the center of attention all the time, it didn't matter the setting, funerals, children's birthday parties, even nursing homes.
I'd rather stand back and watch people, see how they interact with other's. The snow this week has kept me in doors, I will head out for a walk this afternoon, while my son in law is visiting his son.
I started doing some weights today, I have been feeling much better the last couple of days, the first in 3 weeks. So am determined to work on my self before I go to the trailer for the summer. I will be back and forth to help with Oliver as needed, but I do need some alone time as well. I will be able to go for my counselling sessions more often as its just a few minutes away. Rebuilding my self esteem is going to take some time, I'm still reading lots and trying to think positively, but when I think back to my marriage it is so heart wrenching to think I put 16 years into this man that couldn't give me what I needed, HIM. One day I hope to truly know the reason why, his reasons don't make sense to me, I think there has to be openness in a marriage to tell each other their expectations and not to take it as putting down your man hood. Talking instead of pushing your partner away for years to the point I had no other choice but to leave and hopefully find someone one day that can look at my scars, love me, be able to touch me, make me feel like a women again. I know I deserve that.
Tomorrow is a new day.
March 9, 2017
Its been snowing for 3 days, yesterday I felt so cooped up, and emotional. I've been sick with croup and not getting much sleep at night as my inhalers are keeping me awake, I have had to used them 4xs a day and several puffs to get relief. I feel very weak at times and am hoping this goes away soon.
Oh yeah I also have a stye on my right eye, probably all the stress around me and in my own life.
My lawyer in Australia sent out the letter to my ex's lawyer, he didn't receive it well. I could use with out the stress, but apparently I forgot a few figures and got a few wrong, he would not likely take into account my chemo brain, once he prompted me I did remember a few things so told him I would send it through to the lawyer. Hope this gets settled soon. He thinks it will go to court, at least that is what he is threatening. He wasn't happy about showing his last six months bank statements, what could he have to hide?
Tomorrow is my grandson's first full day with his father at his house, I so hope it goes smoothly, I'd hate for him to have to go kicking and screaming, poor lad is only 2.5.
I'm heading to the trailer tomorrow to look for some papers I may need for the divorce and separation. It will be nice to get out of the house and see the trailer, check for damage from the winter.
I'm going to start going to a social meetup group next Thursday if I am feeling well enough, its just about getting out and meeting new people, its in the evening, which I hate going out at night, but I need to get out of the house. To much time on my own, makes me emotional.
March 7, 2018
For me it seems March has come in like a lion, my ex now claims that when I told him what I wanted before and during sex, called into question his manhood.
This is why he wasn't able to make love for years, we did try in the hot tub, that went ok, but he says I stopped it, I got sick with Cancer you nob. How is that someone can be so mollycoddled, that they can't even take suggestions to make their experience better. If this was the problem why wait 16 years to tell me, oh I know why, to make me feel even worse by saying I couldn't talk to you. What a crock.
From what I have read it is paramount to a relationship to be able to express ourselves. For some reason he didn't know how foreplay worked, he felt he just had to climb on and ride, for hours, no lubrication at all, I had to express to him that a women needs foreplay. What I wanted, often after we had made love I would cry, he thought it was because I hated it, I tried to explain it was the opposite, it felt so wonderful to be loved by him, that it made me cry to feel such happiness and it gave me hope. But this would usually be followed by years of nothing again.
He did try once in 2010, but that was the last time, again no foreplay and it hurt like heck because my body had changed from all the treatments and hormone therapy, I wasn't prepared with creams or jellies, so I cried once again. This was the last time he touched me.
I became more secluded with in myself, more self conscience to the point I would always get dressed or undressed in another room, he refers to it as covering up like a Muslim, I had a towel wrapped around me to get my clothes from the bedroom. He never tried to playfully remove it, nothing, what was I to expect. I receded further into my cocoon.
Now I am alone trying to pick up my pieces and move on, I know I can do it, It's just going to take time. That I have plenty of right now.
