I spent a great deal of the weekend doing Christmas Shopping and not feeling well, the stomach bug hit me Sunday afternoon. I've been pretty much under the weather ever since. So today while my tummy is feeling better I seem to have a pain when I breath in the middle of my heart.
Very strange, but am taking it easy today anyways.
I've been off Tamoxifen for almost 2 weeks now and have found a bit of difference in my pain levels, while my spine seems to be less painful, my left hip seems to be giving me more grief. I'm still walking daily and doing gentle exercises but have not been able to get back to curves as I had planned due to the level of pain I am in. So I may just change the name of this blog again. LOL
Back to Christmas, I'm in pretty good shape shopping wise and just have my son and his wife to buy for, do I get them something for the house, I tried a newish dining table and chairs, but they don't want one. so I was thinking a Home hardware gift card, possibly they need to do some painting. As for Oliver, I have gotten him a magazine and need to work on one other gift that is not a toy.
I'll just send a money transfer for my Mom, my brother will divvy it out to her as she needs it.
I began seeing a physiologist last week and while it was upsetting talking about the past and what I want for my future I feel I made progress. We discussed why I am a stayer, why I feel guilty about hurting people who have hurt me for years. I hate to disappoint and right now I feel that I will have failed if I walk away from my marriage, yet I am so over pretending that everything is normal. I know it is not normal to live in a celibate marriage for 14 years and even before. There was always the promise of changes coming even before we got married. I've been doing this for 41 years in total, when is it my time, when do I feel that I am truly loved for who I am inside and out. I have enough self doubt issues due to my cancer and double mastectomy. How long do I put up with being pushed away. Some days the feeling of depression and isolation is to much to bare. But I look at my beautiful children and grand children and know that I will get there.
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