The end of another year

December 31, 2019

Thinking of the past decade or so I am reminded that I was unsure if I would even see 2009, here I am in 2020 feeling stronger and more confident than I have since my cancer diagnosis, Over the last two years I have learned to love myself again, be able to look at my scars and be proud of the battle I won.I don't make resolutions, I'm just always grateful to see the next year and my birthday roll around. I will continue to go to the gym, something I have enjoyed over the years and now living across from it I go at least 5 days a week. I continue to walk when I can when the arthritis in my feet isn't playing up. lol I am grateful for living so close the Rideau Carlton Casino where I continue to go and listen to live music, I always feel comfortable going there whether it be alone or with a new dance partner. I'm grateful for the friends and family that have supported me for so long I can't put dates on it, but you all know who you are. Often friends are the family we don't have near by. I'm grateful for my children and grand children that continue to amaze me everyday, watching them all grow and succeed is what kept me going so long ago. I remember being at Aunty Floras birthday in December 2008 and she saying to me, Lassy the color is coming back in your eyes, your going to be ok. She was right, I am doing ok, with my life my decisions and for my future. I am grateful for being able to travel and I have plans for a few trips in my future. So the reason I put the photo of the lit box is that where there is light there is hope, never give up. May 2020 be everyone's best year yet.
Happy New Years to everyone near and far, It is with Love that I wish you all the very best going forward. xo

So It Starts

October 28, 2019

Well I did it, survived my first day at the gym, I was nervous, but pushed the nerves aside and walked in as if I had been going for ages. I've recorded my start weight and measurements.
I did 15 minutes on the Elliptical and 15 on the treadmill, I did lat pull downs, tomorrow I will make a note of what weights I did, Leg press I started out at 50 and went up to 75 for 40 total.chest press and free weight, working biceps, triceps and shoulders. I took an 8lb ball and did waist work, lots of stretching as well.
Its a start, I will aim for 5 days a week. I still walk alot so that won't change, but will enhance what I do at the gym, I may try to talk to one of the trainers and see what they can help with.

I accomplished alot yesterday as it rained, so I hung lots of pictures sorted things in the spare room, just need to hang curtains in there.
Having lunch tomorrow with my friend Russel, looking forward to seeing him.

Other friend decided since he had his blood work done saturday morning it would be ok to go on a bender, I guess its true, leopards can't change their spots.

Enjoying The Fall

October 26, 2019

Well where to begin, the last 2 weeks have been busy and at times still drama filled.
I spoke to a friend about the fella I have been helping, she said to run,  he will never stay sober, I know I don't need this in my life, I've made a difference to him, I don't know where this will lead and for now were just friends. I stayed at his place for the last week to be there as support for his withdrawal, his slip up has only been 12 days so all in all its not to bad, except his liver wasn't coping at all and he turned jaundice. He redid his blood work and his bilirubin was 250. His specialist told him to go to Emergency asap, so off we went, 9.5 hours later we came out with maybe what he needed to hear, he is in early stages of cyrosis of the liver, he can never drink again unless he has a death wish, also the steroids he miss used have also caused damage to his liver. He has been sober for a week and a day.
I came home Thursday as I have things to do. He hugged me and said he truly believes I was his guardian angel sent to make him see just what he was doing to himself. He said he didn't think there were such kind people still on this earth, I pull no punches and tell it as I see it, I told him what he was doing was killing himself, and his children did not deserve to stand by and watch what he was doing to himself. His Son has thanked me numerous times for helping his father. He said I just couldn't deal with it right now, poor kid had exams at college and needed to concentrate, I told him it shouldn't be his issue, he and his sister should be reason enough for his Dad to be a better parent and person.

So today I look forward to spending a few hours with my grandson, he is such a beautiful child, so loving and easy going, tells me several times during his visit that he loves me.  We are going to be painting and baking today, he is the calm in my recent storm.

I will be visiting my friend tomorrow, he is making me dinner after me being there for him the last 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to a dinner prepared by someone else.  What will be will be, one day at a time.

I also joined the gym across the road from me I'm looking forward to starting a routine again, I've missed this in my life and its how this blog started in the first place. Maybe I'll post more often now.

My New Beginning

October 14, 2019

Well I've moved into my new place, I've rented a 2 bedroom apartment not far from my daughter's.
Some days are over whelming, I get so tired out. It's worth it, my place has really come together. It's not easy starting over, it has taken me almost 2 years to get to this point.

A year ago I went to Scotland and helped a family that needed some TLC after the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds. I still believe I was saved from death from cancer to do good, to help others.
During this flight I befriended a man and his son from England, I took care of them in Halifax for 24 hours, we are still friends today.
I spent the summer helping an elderly gentleman from Pennsylvania, enjoy his last summer in Canada, we tore motors apart, put them back together, I cleaned for him, shopped for him, spent time fishing with him. He always said Thank You, gave me a few dollars and was so happy when he went home a few weeks ago knowing he had a great last summer in Canada. He has been coming here since he was 14.

I have sold my summer trailer and will live in the city full time now. There are lots of things to do here, and I hope to do some travelling as well. I have a gf here and we are planning on taking yoga class together, we worked together for many years and have always kept in touch even when I lived in Australia. I do need to get out and meet new people. It has taken me nearly 2 years to learn to believe in myself and realize I deserve to be happy and find someone to spend time with, I've met a couple of fellows that have turned out to be good friends, we enjoy each other's company, but nothing serious.
I recently met someone and loved reading his bio, he had messaged me first, unfortunately he has become another project, I realized on my second visit that he had some issues and I was the one to pull it all out of him, I truly believe he is a decent man and has great values under the layers of addiction, first to steroids, then to alcohol an addiction from his past, I've given him support this week, filled his fridge with food, cleaned his home up, did his laundry, encouraged him to reach out to his Councillors, which he has, his liver enzymes are through the roof, I got rid of his steroids, he has spoken to his son, his Mom and ex wife, he has the support, oh and did I mention he is also Bipolar 1. I can not be this mans crutch, I can be a friend, I was put in his path for a reason, why I'm not sure unless its just to help him see his self worth, I'm drawing back, the ball is in his court. I've asked his son to keep me posted on his recovery. I really can't do anything else, I think I've done enough.

I'm sure there is someone out there that would like to meet me, that isn't full of drama, lol I have lots to offer, I can be more than a Councillor.
Here is to change for the ones that need it.

The Boat

June 20th, 2019

Well on Monday I decided it was time to get the boat out, uncover it, clean it get it in the water so I could put it up for sale. A 24ft pontoon boat is way to much for me to handle and keep.
So I started with the tarp and usually I would untie all the ropes, put them together and store them but since I had decided to sell it, I took a knife to them and man it felt so good to do that, with each pull of the rope I felt release, see I never wanted a boat, but my ex did and he now lives in Australia so I was left with it in the separation.  It was now time to pull the tarp off, I started at the front and gave a big pull, its a big tarp so I had to keep walking backwards as I pulled, with a mighty woosh it was finally off. 
I climbed up on the trailer to step in and my heart sank, something had eaten the seats, console and anything they could get their little teeth and claws on. Oh my, for a moment I was over whelmed, then I climbed down got my phone, took some pictures, and emailed my insurance broker, asking her if it was possibly covered.
In the mean time I decided to take the wooden frame off it by myself, the person who was going to help me decided to ignore me, so it was just me, it took me a few hours to get it off, but in a way it felt so damn good to have done it with out a man. As I was finishing my elderly neighbor came by feeling bad he couldn't help me, I assured him it was fine, I had done it. I decided to check under one of the areas on the boat to see how much damage their was, and low and behold a raccoon was in their staring back at me. I ran like heck to the front of the boat saying its still in there. I jumped down and Harry took me to find a live trap so we could trap and release it, I set the trap in place and began banging on the back of the boat and guess what, Momma came out and so did her 5 babies. Oh my goodness, I caught 1 baby in the trap and that just made Momma mad, she did try to get the babies to follow her but no go, So I climbed up in and helped them to go in the right direction with a bit of force. 1 baby did try to get back in, but Momma came back after dark and took it away.
The good part about all this is that insurance did cover it and I got way more for it than I did in the divorce. So I'm feeling like I had a win this week and I'm very happy to put this behind me, with a big smile on my face. 

Planning

June 15, 2019

A few things have happened in the last couple of months. I finished my trip to Australia with a 1 week trip to the Solomon Islands where I relaxed and swam and ate wonderful food prepared by a dear friend, I met some wonderful people and made new life long friends. Lots of chats and wine consumed, a visit to a local school. I was saddened to see how poor the people are and the school was mediocre at best, holes in the walls, mold every where and very filthy. There are very few books for the children to use for reading and practicing their English. The ladies of the executives that work for SOL Tuna try to make a difference by volunteering a couple of afternoons a week. I bought each of the children in the English class a diary and pen to practice their writing of English. I left Noro feeling refreshed and ready to start planning my life.

The first thing I did when I got back was start the transfer of funds from my Australian bank so I could begin the process of investing the money and look for a place to buy in the fall.
I opened my summer trailer so I have a place to live for the next few months.

I no longer feel sad, I'm feeling optimistic that I can do this, I can push on and make a new life for myself. I have been picking up a few things that I will be needing in the event I get my place in the next few months. Starting from scratch means exactly that, I have nothing but my clothes and the will to make it on my own.

On June 3 I passed 11 years since I was diagnosed with Stage 3B Breast Cancer, I beat all odds, I had a 50/50 chance to survive and here I am, on July 25, 2019 it will be my 11 year cure date. I still can't thank my team enough for saving my life. I sometimes get sad when I hear of others who have not made it, I think why was I spared, then I remind myself that god has a reason for all of us, I believe mine is to do good for others and be kind, my granddaughter says I am the kindest person she knows, kindness is one thing that costs nothing and I do it regularly.

FREE

March 23, 2019

Free, what does that word mean.
This is what the dictionary says : 

1.     able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

"I have no ambitions other than to have a happy life and be free"

1.      2.not or no longer confined or imprisoned.

"the researchers set the birds free"

synonyms:

on the loose, at liberty, at large;  loose, unconfined, unbound, untied, unchained, untethered, unshackled, unfettered, unrestrained, unsecured

So since my settlement is nearly finished just waiting on the transfer of funds, I decided it was time for me to start fresh and be free as a bird. So I got another tattoo, 

The second tattoo I got means New Beginnings

For me, really, new beginnings happen every second.  Every day is a new beginning, as is every hour.  Something is always being born — changing — passing — and renewing.  That’s how life flows — not quite in a linear stream, but in fractals and holograms.  We move and have our being within these dimensions, and this year we are learning how to master our dimensions of time and space and allow them to flow without hindrance.

So both of these speak volumes to me,, I want nothing more to be free of the past years with a man who didn't know how to love or love anyone but himself, my new beginning is to accept my body for what it is and find a love with in myself to be able to allow someone new in, I'm in no hurry as I was just saying to a friend, I feel sad today and I don't really know why, possibly for the loss of my ex mother in law who passed away yesterday, or possibly for knowing I am going home soon and  not knowing where to rebuild my life or just how hard it is going to be to restart again from nothing. I know I can do it, I just have to remember to allow others who want to help me, and let them. That's probably one of the hardest things to do.

So for now I shall pray and as they say let go and let god.