My New Beginning

October 14, 2019

Well I've moved into my new place, I've rented a 2 bedroom apartment not far from my daughter's.
Some days are over whelming, I get so tired out. It's worth it, my place has really come together. It's not easy starting over, it has taken me almost 2 years to get to this point.

A year ago I went to Scotland and helped a family that needed some TLC after the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds. I still believe I was saved from death from cancer to do good, to help others.
During this flight I befriended a man and his son from England, I took care of them in Halifax for 24 hours, we are still friends today.
I spent the summer helping an elderly gentleman from Pennsylvania, enjoy his last summer in Canada, we tore motors apart, put them back together, I cleaned for him, shopped for him, spent time fishing with him. He always said Thank You, gave me a few dollars and was so happy when he went home a few weeks ago knowing he had a great last summer in Canada. He has been coming here since he was 14.

I have sold my summer trailer and will live in the city full time now. There are lots of things to do here, and I hope to do some travelling as well. I have a gf here and we are planning on taking yoga class together, we worked together for many years and have always kept in touch even when I lived in Australia. I do need to get out and meet new people. It has taken me nearly 2 years to learn to believe in myself and realize I deserve to be happy and find someone to spend time with, I've met a couple of fellows that have turned out to be good friends, we enjoy each other's company, but nothing serious.
I recently met someone and loved reading his bio, he had messaged me first, unfortunately he has become another project, I realized on my second visit that he had some issues and I was the one to pull it all out of him, I truly believe he is a decent man and has great values under the layers of addiction, first to steroids, then to alcohol an addiction from his past, I've given him support this week, filled his fridge with food, cleaned his home up, did his laundry, encouraged him to reach out to his Councillors, which he has, his liver enzymes are through the roof, I got rid of his steroids, he has spoken to his son, his Mom and ex wife, he has the support, oh and did I mention he is also Bipolar 1. I can not be this mans crutch, I can be a friend, I was put in his path for a reason, why I'm not sure unless its just to help him see his self worth, I'm drawing back, the ball is in his court. I've asked his son to keep me posted on his recovery. I really can't do anything else, I think I've done enough.

I'm sure there is someone out there that would like to meet me, that isn't full of drama, lol I have lots to offer, I can be more than a Councillor.
Here is to change for the ones that need it.

The Boat

June 20th, 2019

Well on Monday I decided it was time to get the boat out, uncover it, clean it get it in the water so I could put it up for sale. A 24ft pontoon boat is way to much for me to handle and keep.
So I started with the tarp and usually I would untie all the ropes, put them together and store them but since I had decided to sell it, I took a knife to them and man it felt so good to do that, with each pull of the rope I felt release, see I never wanted a boat, but my ex did and he now lives in Australia so I was left with it in the separation.  It was now time to pull the tarp off, I started at the front and gave a big pull, its a big tarp so I had to keep walking backwards as I pulled, with a mighty woosh it was finally off. 
I climbed up on the trailer to step in and my heart sank, something had eaten the seats, console and anything they could get their little teeth and claws on. Oh my, for a moment I was over whelmed, then I climbed down got my phone, took some pictures, and emailed my insurance broker, asking her if it was possibly covered.
In the mean time I decided to take the wooden frame off it by myself, the person who was going to help me decided to ignore me, so it was just me, it took me a few hours to get it off, but in a way it felt so damn good to have done it with out a man. As I was finishing my elderly neighbor came by feeling bad he couldn't help me, I assured him it was fine, I had done it. I decided to check under one of the areas on the boat to see how much damage their was, and low and behold a raccoon was in their staring back at me. I ran like heck to the front of the boat saying its still in there. I jumped down and Harry took me to find a live trap so we could trap and release it, I set the trap in place and began banging on the back of the boat and guess what, Momma came out and so did her 5 babies. Oh my goodness, I caught 1 baby in the trap and that just made Momma mad, she did try to get the babies to follow her but no go, So I climbed up in and helped them to go in the right direction with a bit of force. 1 baby did try to get back in, but Momma came back after dark and took it away.
The good part about all this is that insurance did cover it and I got way more for it than I did in the divorce. So I'm feeling like I had a win this week and I'm very happy to put this behind me, with a big smile on my face. 

Planning

June 15, 2019

A few things have happened in the last couple of months. I finished my trip to Australia with a 1 week trip to the Solomon Islands where I relaxed and swam and ate wonderful food prepared by a dear friend, I met some wonderful people and made new life long friends. Lots of chats and wine consumed, a visit to a local school. I was saddened to see how poor the people are and the school was mediocre at best, holes in the walls, mold every where and very filthy. There are very few books for the children to use for reading and practicing their English. The ladies of the executives that work for SOL Tuna try to make a difference by volunteering a couple of afternoons a week. I bought each of the children in the English class a diary and pen to practice their writing of English. I left Noro feeling refreshed and ready to start planning my life.

The first thing I did when I got back was start the transfer of funds from my Australian bank so I could begin the process of investing the money and look for a place to buy in the fall.
I opened my summer trailer so I have a place to live for the next few months.

I no longer feel sad, I'm feeling optimistic that I can do this, I can push on and make a new life for myself. I have been picking up a few things that I will be needing in the event I get my place in the next few months. Starting from scratch means exactly that, I have nothing but my clothes and the will to make it on my own.

On June 3 I passed 11 years since I was diagnosed with Stage 3B Breast Cancer, I beat all odds, I had a 50/50 chance to survive and here I am, on July 25, 2019 it will be my 11 year cure date. I still can't thank my team enough for saving my life. I sometimes get sad when I hear of others who have not made it, I think why was I spared, then I remind myself that god has a reason for all of us, I believe mine is to do good for others and be kind, my granddaughter says I am the kindest person she knows, kindness is one thing that costs nothing and I do it regularly.

FREE

March 23, 2019

Free, what does that word mean.
This is what the dictionary says : 

1.     able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

"I have no ambitions other than to have a happy life and be free"

1.      2.not or no longer confined or imprisoned.

"the researchers set the birds free"

synonyms:

on the loose, at liberty, at large;  loose, unconfined, unbound, untied, unchained, untethered, unshackled, unfettered, unrestrained, unsecured

So since my settlement is nearly finished just waiting on the transfer of funds, I decided it was time for me to start fresh and be free as a bird. So I got another tattoo, 

The second tattoo I got means New Beginnings

For me, really, new beginnings happen every second.  Every day is a new beginning, as is every hour.  Something is always being born — changing — passing — and renewing.  That’s how life flows — not quite in a linear stream, but in fractals and holograms.  We move and have our being within these dimensions, and this year we are learning how to master our dimensions of time and space and allow them to flow without hindrance.

So both of these speak volumes to me,, I want nothing more to be free of the past years with a man who didn't know how to love or love anyone but himself, my new beginning is to accept my body for what it is and find a love with in myself to be able to allow someone new in, I'm in no hurry as I was just saying to a friend, I feel sad today and I don't really know why, possibly for the loss of my ex mother in law who passed away yesterday, or possibly for knowing I am going home soon and  not knowing where to rebuild my life or just how hard it is going to be to restart again from nothing. I know I can do it, I just have to remember to allow others who want to help me, and let them. That's probably one of the hardest things to do.

So for now I shall pray and as they say let go and let god.

Healing

March 11,2019

I went to see an Orthopedic Specialist named Dr Babba in Parramatta, I had new xrays of my fractured elbow last week as its catching when I open it, he feels its a tare in the cartilage and its getting caught where the broken piece hasn't healed yet, so for now its a watch and see. I'll try to see him before I leave for Canada next month. If its not healing I'll have to have the piece of cartilage removed surgically. So all in all not bad news.

My friend Michelle is back home, we have chatted a few times, he has been offered a job in Lebanon, he has till end of April to decide what he wants to do, I know what I would like him to do. Our friendship means allot to me, he has done so much for me as far as healing my self esteem. I've asked him to take me to a wedding in May, fingers are crossed.  Our plan is to get together over the summer if he is still here. A girl can hope.

I am hoping my ex takes the deal we offered last week, I have my doubts but again a girl can hope, It would really help me heal and start my knew life maybe even go home early. I've been feeling home sick and find myself getting teary at times thinking of the last couple of years, I need to let this all go.
Move on, make new friends, get out and enjoy life. Purchase lots of nice things for my new apartment.
Become independent again, maybe even go on a date, I plan on going to more meet ups, try and avoid the dating website, they aren't very trustworthy. I want to spread my wings and fly.

Something for me

March 5, 2019
I went shopping with Beth yesterday, I've been looking for a 10 year anniversary ring with 10 stones to mark my 10 years survival from Breast Cancer. We went to many stores but all would take 6 weeks to have the ring built because of the size I wanted. Then we decided to look for a ring that would fit my pinky finger. We went to the last shop and he was very determined to find me 1. He was very patient and looked and counted every stone till he finally found one. I fell in love with it instantly.
It was a bit more than I wanted to spend but I felt I was worth it. This was for me and I never spend money on myself, I've spent so much time this past year just surviving on what little money I had as my ex has not paid me 1 red cent in 15 months.

I also got myself a couple of tattoos on Valentines day, again something just for me, The first is a pink ribbon with a black half a heart. The meaning is for the survivors, the black heart is for the ones that didn't survive, I sometimes feel guilty that I am still here when a young mother of 40 is not. So I try to do as many good deeds as I can. The other says Survivor and has my first date of chemo on it.

Not sure what the family will say but does it matter its my life, my body.

Sad to say goodbye

March 4, 2019

I was at Concord Hospital this week to see Dr Phillip Beale, I had some uterine tests done recently and to check for thickening in the Uterine wall. While there was some it was within normal range.
I met with the intern first and we went over a few things from history. She loved my tattooed sleeve.
I showed her my real tattoo.She liked them as well. I've been advised by them to begin weening off the Catapress since I've been off Tamoxifen now for a few weeks. I took Tamoxifen for 10 years and Catapress for 7 years. I find since I've been off the Tamoxifen I am a bit more emotional. Hopefully with time I will begin to feel much better. I've been told that the symptoms from the Tamoxifen may not change at all. Which is a bit disheartening, I'd love to get my memory and brain cells in general back. My vision and my joints have suffered as well. So as I hugged Dr Beale good bye he said you have so much to be thankful for and a bright future, if your back this way please stop in and see us here. The tears ran freely down my cheeks, its scarry to be let go, but i'm ready to move on start this next chapter of my life, yes the 10 years have been long and hard, the last 2 years have been harder making the decision to leave my husband in Dec 2017.

On now to better things, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm looking forward to regaining my independence after my divorce and settlement are done. I plan on spending the summer at the trailer and then by fall get a nice 2 bedroom apartment.  A new vehicle once I get home is on the cards as well.
I'll plan over the summer where I want to live and and start buying the things I'll need. Since I am starting from scratch again, I'll try to get a few bargains and even look on the free sights. My daughter will help out as well, I know she has some pots and pans. So cheers to me,,