Months of Change

February 26,2019

I was reminded recently of my blog and had always felt it was a safe place to write and that no one I knew ever read it. Well out with some mates on Friday and was asked by a friend what had happened, she said she gathered something had and she noticed my blog link on instagram. SHE READ IT. 
Oh my I didn't expect anyone to read it. It had been a trying year and months. I hadn't written since last summer. So lots has happened since then. 
I had asked my Ex to fill in an affidavit so I could file for the divorce under the married but just living together since there had been no physical relationship in over 13 years. I asked him about the papers a few times and he finally answered back, once I had accepted his settlement, meaning he wanted me to settle for what ever he gave me. It's now February and I just refiled as I am in Australia and its been over a year so he can't hold the separation part over my head anymore.
The separation is going to mediation in March and they asked to have the venue and type changed but the registrar has said no and it will be better for me to leave it and the type where it is. Their way could see it drag on for months.

In October 2018 I was asked to go to Scotland to assist a family that the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds and 3 kids under 7, this was just to much for her hubby to be handling not to mention he was trying to work a new job . Jennifer is a good friend of my daughters and I had thought about offering but waited till I was asked. I was the next day, of course my Ex heard about this and told people I was going on holidays. I didn't pay my way or go anywhere once I got there.
On my way there I was held up in Halifax for 24 hours because of plane issues. It took 5 hours to change our tickets and get vouchers. In the line I met a wonderful British Man Mark and his Son Jordan. We hit it off immediately, joking and making light of the fact were had all been awake now for 24 hours. We got things changed and were told to head to the end of the airport for a taxi. Just then I spotted one doing a drop off at the nearest door to us. I said come on fellas I'll see if he is heading back to the city. Thank god he was. We got in and Mark asked Michelle the taxi driver to look at our vouchers he is sure were going to different places, I said no its 2 hotels in one, He still argues and Michelle agrees he knows where we need to go. Finally Mark believes me. Michelle turns to me and asks how long have you 2 been married. I said were not I just picked them up in the airport. He had a good laugh about it. We all chatted easily on the 45 minute ride to the city. 
Michelle called my phone so we would have his number the next day he offered to take us a driving tour in the afternoon. Sounded great to us. While in line at the hotel Mark says to me is your name Sandra. I turned and looked at him and said I didn't tell you my name. He held up my hotel voucher apparently Michelle mixed them up. LOL  

I open my phone and notice a missed call, I say darn I missed a call. Mark says didn’t Michelle call and hang up, oh yeah he did, just then he is calling. I answer he says Jordon left his back pack in the back seat. Do we want him to bring it by now or give it to them later when we go for the drive.  I ask Jordan and he would like it now, so Michelle says he will bring it on his next trip back from the airport. It’s now 6:30 am we get in our rooms. I go to brush my teeth and discover that my shampoo has exploded in my make up bag, in my toothbrush and hair brush, it took me ages to wash it out. I got my pjs on and just laid down, its now nearly 7am. I hear a knock on the door. Its Jordan he wants to know if Michelle came back yet. I try to call him, no answer I assume he is driving. So I send a text, and tell Jordan I will let him know when I hear back from him. 15 minutes later he calls to say he dropped it off. Then I spend 10 minutes trying to reach Jordan and Mark to tell them but they keep hanging up on me, guess they didn’t know how to use a hotel phone.  I decide I might better take a hot bath as my back is sore from no sleep and standing in line to much. Its now 8 am so I figure I may as well try to eat something, I head to the breakfast buffet. I had some fruit and yogurt. I’m really to tired to eat. I decide that maybe I can lay down now and nap. I just get settled in and a knock comes to the door again. For gods sake can a girl not close her eyes for 30 minutes. It’s housekeeping, she wants to know when I am checking out. I had to work hard to refrain from bad language but I had had it, I said I just got here 2 hours ago and they said he had till noon. Oh she says sorry, I guess you were the people from the plane last night. I said yes we are. So by now its 9am and I decide I'm awake again and better see where the boys are. They are down eating, looking as tired as I am. I offer to take them on a walking tour of Halifax and they agree, They shower and I have the hotel hold our bags for us and off we go by 10 am. We walk and chat for hours poor Jordan is so tired he lost his brekky. Mark i discovered is a diabetic and all the walking is causing his sugar to go out of wack, farmers aren't use to walking they ride quad bikes or tractors. LOL  We head for lunch and finish up about 1 pm and Mark says do you think that taxi guy was serious about the driving tour. I said all I can do is call. He said I'll be there is 10 minutes.He was and we picked up our luggage and headed for Dartmouth. He drove us around for 4 hours before taking us back to the airport. We gave him a tip and had hugs all around. 

Now the reason I told this story was these 2 men did more for my self esteem than my EX ever did. They couldn't believe I was going to Scotland to help a family I didn't know. I said God spared my life for a reason 10 years before and I try to give back where I can. I help and old fella all summer so he can enjoy his time on the lake, it could be his last year. My ex has always hated my good deeds. It took time from him his jealousy always showed.

I still keep in touch with both these men, as its said people come into our lives for a reason, they are both like family now. I know I could talk to them about anything and they would have my back, something I could not count on with my own brothers.

Moving On

July 27, 2018

Its been a rough couple of weeks I have to say.  More crap from the ex, more paperwork to get. I can't remember feeling so anxious or upset over having to do this kind of stuff. I felt week, belittled and beaten by his lawyers last letter. I know I shouldn't take it personally but its hard not to when your character is being assassinated. Then I think where is she getting her information. Oh yeah I know, then I think how could he. Says allot about his character.

Him feeling he had to tell me about his gambling was just a ply to suck me in and see if I still cared. I almost got sucked in, but at the end of the day this is no longer my issue. It's his he needs to deal with it once and for all, so I passed the information on to his children. Maybe they won't turn a blind eye anymore and will arm themselves with the information they need to convincew him to get help.

He keeps blaming my lawyer for taking to long responding to his. He knows I am having to use our line of credit now. It's hard to live on 1000 a month when physio alone costs 500. Yet he can afford to blow 1000 a month in slot machines. He thinks I am desperate to settle, but I won't take less than I am owed.

A friend said this to me a while ago about all this crap:
"They are trying to wear you down petal!! They are hoping, because he's conveyed your vulnerabilities, that you will get desperate and settle... It's such a friggen evil ploy, but that's the job his lawyer has been hired to do.... Think about it, mind games and manipulation...narcissistic attitudes.. Sound familiar?" Boy does it ever sound familiar.
More wise words from my friend "It's a jagged road my sweet, and you are recovering from a lot...not just the dipshit here, but your ex there... It all compounds, and it's natural that it overwhelms you... The things we cry a lot over, are the things that hurt us the most. Whilst we are in that state, look for the lesson. It's when we have learned and understood, that we take that strength back. There is a lot to be said for letting go, when you hurt so much. None of what happened to you was your doing. Give back the onus of terror and abuse. Gather the goodness and harmony that surrounds you now, that is your armour....
I thanked her for this reminder and she came back with this "I believe the the most important thing I can say to you is, it was all real, it didn't just happen in your head. You are one of the most level headed people I know... People screwed you over, but no more. You are captain, the leader, the warrior, and the bestest friend anyone could ask for...xxxxx

I do need to take back my life, it doesn't matter that other people don't understand or get why I left. What matters is that I regain my self esteem and begin to feel beautiful again. That's hard to do when you have been with someone for 17 years that wouldn't be intimate with you and it hurts even more that you fought for your life and he still couldn't bring himself to look at you or touch you. Life's to short, so I packed 2 suitcases and left.
Today's Quote:

Summer

July 9th 2018

So far we have had lots of warm weather some has been unbearable. So it gave me time to work on painting projects. I have to admit I did get a little cabin fever.
I've been going through some emotional stuff, allowing someone to suck me in with his problems. I really shouldn't care that he is lonely and depressed and has turned back to gambling, but its the years of being married to someone that can often make you still care. I try telling myself that its not my monkey not my circus. And to let the quilt go, its not my fault he had this problem long before I came along. I suggested counselling, but he says he took a long look in the mirror and he has it under control again. I've been hearing this for years. 
I tried to get into see my councilor but they had no apts available so I talked to a friend. She helped me through it. 
I find I am having some issues with anxiety after stopping cymbalta. I had an invite a while ago for dinner and a movie with some friends and just the though had me in utter agony and nausea so I cancelled and all the anxiety went away  I had a similar experience this weekend, I had a bbq to go to and the nausea came back. I decided to press on and went to the bbq, the closer I got the nerves went away and so did the nausea. I had a fantastic time and am looking forward to getting out and listening to the group from the bbq play music.

I played my first game of golf in 2.5 years and was feeling anxious then to. Once I got on the course I did ok, a 64 for 9 holes, my putting let me down. I will get out there and do it again real soon. 

So all in all I am managing ok, still working on the separation stuff, some days it upsets me others it pisses me off. I feel I have lost so much and am not sure when or where I will begin to rebuild my life. What does tomorrow hold for me? I still feel like I am in a cocoon at times and I have no idea when I will make my way out and spread my wings.
Only god knows, so for now I will let go and let god guide me.
Today's Quote:

There is HOPE

April 30, 2018

Well we did get it, that last blast of winter, with 3 days of rain, freezing rain and snow. I spent most of it inside. Once it cleared up I went and helped my best friend with her Mom, she had 3 broken vertebra's and has just done it again, back in hospital waiting surgery, I'm not sure how much more she can take, she begs each day for that needle she saw on the news, just to end things. I feel so bad for them, but it is a process they are willing to look at. Soon I hope.

I made a few changes this past week. I blocked 4 people on Facebook that I should have done long ago, one being my ex. I also have changed my status to separated, something he did a few days after I left in Dec.  I didn't do it hoping we would get back together, I needed to finish grieving the relationship first and stop listening to him tell me it was all my fault, it wasn't and yes I know it takes 2, I was the one enabling him to treat me the way he was. I had to realize I don't deserve that and deserve love and respect, for who I am. 

I went to the trailer last Friday and put allot of stuff away preparing for opening day, its going to be allot of work, but truthfully I always did most of it myself, so I will get by with a little help from my friends. Once I'm all set up I'm good there till fall. Something I am looking forward to is reading and getting back to painting, maybe I will even try kayaking this summer. I've been going to physio and trying to rebuild muscles that I had lost with surgery. I am also looking into a mini elliptical machine,
I'm finding walking is so painful on my feet, at least it would be easier on all my joints. Maybe the beginning of the new me.

A New Month

April 11, 2018

Today is sunny and yet a few clouds are still around, were in for another bast of winter this week. I'm so tired of it Could we please have some warmer weather.

I went to see my Councillor last week and am still struggling with my own self respect and body image. Sometimes I feel no one will ever look at me as a women again, something I need to work on. Telling myself that I am a good person, and that I have more to offer than just my breasts. But do men see past that, what do they see when they look at you, does it matter that I wear prosthetic. I just don't know.  My wedding anniversary was last month and I  sat on the day and cried for the man that treated me so poorly mentally and emotionally, I asked him if he thought of me on the day and he said to be honest NO. 
I find it hard to put myself out there, I can joke about my life, but deep down I am hurt, and some what shy, I'm not sure if I would want to put myself out there for the dating scene. I think I will just rely on friends to go for dinner and enjoy a summer of golf, cards and lots of time on the water, if it ever warms up.

I still find it hard to believe that none of my brothers have bothered to call and see how I'm doing, but they have spoken to my ex. Strange that, it feels like a boys club, not a family.

Getting Out

March 14, 2018

We are half way through this month, I am glad I went to the trailer on the weekend and got the things I needed. It's been snowing for 3 days now, a foot of fresh snow at least.

I've decided to try and get out a bit, I'm going to a meet up at one of our local malls, there isn't much going on during the day time, but I will try the evening session, its only for an hour, so it will be good for a first outing, hope I don't chicken out.
It's hard to get out and meet new people, I guess I am a little shy, something that my ex wasn't he had to be the center of attention all the time, it didn't matter the setting, funerals, children's birthday parties, even nursing homes.

I'd rather stand back and watch people, see how they interact with other's. The snow this week has kept me in doors, I will head out for a walk this afternoon, while my son in law is visiting his son.

I started doing some weights today, I have been feeling much better the last couple of days, the first in 3 weeks. So am determined to work on my self before I go to the trailer for the summer. I will be back and forth to help with Oliver as needed, but I do need some alone time as well. I will be able to go for my counselling sessions more often as its just a few minutes away. Rebuilding my self esteem is going to take some time, I'm still reading lots and trying to think positively, but when I think back to my marriage it is so heart wrenching to think I put 16 years into this man that couldn't give me what I needed, HIM. One day I hope to truly know the reason why, his reasons don't make sense to me, I think there has to be openness in a marriage to tell each other their expectations and not to take it as putting down your man hood. Talking instead of pushing your partner away for years to the point I had no other choice but to leave and hopefully find someone one day that can look at my scars, love me, be able to touch me, make me feel like a women again. I know I deserve that.
Tomorrow is a new day.

Feeling A Bit Down

March 9, 2017
Its been snowing for 3 days, yesterday I felt so cooped up, and emotional. I've been sick with croup and not getting much sleep at night as my inhalers are keeping me awake, I have had to used them 4xs a day and several puffs to get relief. I feel very weak at times and am hoping this goes away soon.
Oh yeah I also have a stye on my right eye, probably all the stress around me and in my own life.

My lawyer in Australia sent out the letter to my ex's lawyer, he didn't receive it well. I could use with out the stress, but apparently I forgot a few figures and got a few wrong, he would not likely take into account my chemo brain, once he prompted me I did remember a few things so told him I would send it through to the lawyer. Hope this gets settled soon. He thinks it will go to court, at least that is what he is threatening. He wasn't happy about showing his last six months bank statements, what could he have to hide? 

Tomorrow is my grandson's first full day with his father at his house, I so hope it goes smoothly, I'd hate for him to have to go kicking and screaming, poor lad is only 2.5.

I'm heading to the trailer tomorrow to look for some papers I may need for the divorce and separation. It will be nice to get out of the house and see the trailer, check for damage from the winter.
I'm going to start going to a social meetup group next Thursday if I am feeling well enough, its just about getting out and meeting new people, its in the evening, which I hate going out at night, but I need to get out of the house. To much time on my own, makes me emotional.