FREE

March 23, 2019

Free, what does that word mean.
This is what the dictionary says : 

1.     able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another.

"I have no ambitions other than to have a happy life and be free"

1.      2.not or no longer confined or imprisoned.

"the researchers set the birds free"

synonyms:

on the loose, at liberty, at large;  loose, unconfined, unbound, untied, unchained, untethered, unshackled, unfettered, unrestrained, unsecured

So since my settlement is nearly finished just waiting on the transfer of funds, I decided it was time for me to start fresh and be free as a bird. So I got another tattoo, 

The second tattoo I got means New Beginnings

For me, really, new beginnings happen every second.  Every day is a new beginning, as is every hour.  Something is always being born — changing — passing — and renewing.  That’s how life flows — not quite in a linear stream, but in fractals and holograms.  We move and have our being within these dimensions, and this year we are learning how to master our dimensions of time and space and allow them to flow without hindrance.

So both of these speak volumes to me,, I want nothing more to be free of the past years with a man who didn't know how to love or love anyone but himself, my new beginning is to accept my body for what it is and find a love with in myself to be able to allow someone new in, I'm in no hurry as I was just saying to a friend, I feel sad today and I don't really know why, possibly for the loss of my ex mother in law who passed away yesterday, or possibly for knowing I am going home soon and  not knowing where to rebuild my life or just how hard it is going to be to restart again from nothing. I know I can do it, I just have to remember to allow others who want to help me, and let them. That's probably one of the hardest things to do.

So for now I shall pray and as they say let go and let god.

Healing

March 11,2019

I went to see an Orthopedic Specialist named Dr Babba in Parramatta, I had new xrays of my fractured elbow last week as its catching when I open it, he feels its a tare in the cartilage and its getting caught where the broken piece hasn't healed yet, so for now its a watch and see. I'll try to see him before I leave for Canada next month. If its not healing I'll have to have the piece of cartilage removed surgically. So all in all not bad news.

My friend Michelle is back home, we have chatted a few times, he has been offered a job in Lebanon, he has till end of April to decide what he wants to do, I know what I would like him to do. Our friendship means allot to me, he has done so much for me as far as healing my self esteem. I've asked him to take me to a wedding in May, fingers are crossed.  Our plan is to get together over the summer if he is still here. A girl can hope.

I am hoping my ex takes the deal we offered last week, I have my doubts but again a girl can hope, It would really help me heal and start my knew life maybe even go home early. I've been feeling home sick and find myself getting teary at times thinking of the last couple of years, I need to let this all go.
Move on, make new friends, get out and enjoy life. Purchase lots of nice things for my new apartment.
Become independent again, maybe even go on a date, I plan on going to more meet ups, try and avoid the dating website, they aren't very trustworthy. I want to spread my wings and fly.

Something for me

March 5, 2019
I went shopping with Beth yesterday, I've been looking for a 10 year anniversary ring with 10 stones to mark my 10 years survival from Breast Cancer. We went to many stores but all would take 6 weeks to have the ring built because of the size I wanted. Then we decided to look for a ring that would fit my pinky finger. We went to the last shop and he was very determined to find me 1. He was very patient and looked and counted every stone till he finally found one. I fell in love with it instantly.
It was a bit more than I wanted to spend but I felt I was worth it. This was for me and I never spend money on myself, I've spent so much time this past year just surviving on what little money I had as my ex has not paid me 1 red cent in 15 months.

I also got myself a couple of tattoos on Valentines day, again something just for me, The first is a pink ribbon with a black half a heart. The meaning is for the survivors, the black heart is for the ones that didn't survive, I sometimes feel guilty that I am still here when a young mother of 40 is not. So I try to do as many good deeds as I can. The other says Survivor and has my first date of chemo on it.

Not sure what the family will say but does it matter its my life, my body.

Sad to say goodbye

March 4, 2019

I was at Concord Hospital this week to see Dr Phillip Beale, I had some uterine tests done recently and to check for thickening in the Uterine wall. While there was some it was within normal range.
I met with the intern first and we went over a few things from history. She loved my tattooed sleeve.
I showed her my real tattoo.She liked them as well. I've been advised by them to begin weening off the Catapress since I've been off Tamoxifen now for a few weeks. I took Tamoxifen for 10 years and Catapress for 7 years. I find since I've been off the Tamoxifen I am a bit more emotional. Hopefully with time I will begin to feel much better. I've been told that the symptoms from the Tamoxifen may not change at all. Which is a bit disheartening, I'd love to get my memory and brain cells in general back. My vision and my joints have suffered as well. So as I hugged Dr Beale good bye he said you have so much to be thankful for and a bright future, if your back this way please stop in and see us here. The tears ran freely down my cheeks, its scarry to be let go, but i'm ready to move on start this next chapter of my life, yes the 10 years have been long and hard, the last 2 years have been harder making the decision to leave my husband in Dec 2017.

On now to better things, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm looking forward to regaining my independence after my divorce and settlement are done. I plan on spending the summer at the trailer and then by fall get a nice 2 bedroom apartment.  A new vehicle once I get home is on the cards as well.
I'll plan over the summer where I want to live and and start buying the things I'll need. Since I am starting from scratch again, I'll try to get a few bargains and even look on the free sights. My daughter will help out as well, I know she has some pots and pans. So cheers to me,, 

Months of Change

February 26,2019

I was reminded recently of my blog and had always felt it was a safe place to write and that no one I knew ever read it. Well out with some mates on Friday and was asked by a friend what had happened, she said she gathered something had and she noticed my blog link on instagram. SHE READ IT. 
Oh my I didn't expect anyone to read it. It had been a trying year and months. I hadn't written since last summer. So lots has happened since then. 
I had asked my Ex to fill in an affidavit so I could file for the divorce under the married but just living together since there had been no physical relationship in over 13 years. I asked him about the papers a few times and he finally answered back, once I had accepted his settlement, meaning he wanted me to settle for what ever he gave me. It's now February and I just refiled as I am in Australia and its been over a year so he can't hold the separation part over my head anymore.
The separation is going to mediation in March and they asked to have the venue and type changed but the registrar has said no and it will be better for me to leave it and the type where it is. Their way could see it drag on for months.

In October 2018 I was asked to go to Scotland to assist a family that the Mom had 2 cerebral bleeds and 3 kids under 7, this was just to much for her hubby to be handling not to mention he was trying to work a new job . Jennifer is a good friend of my daughters and I had thought about offering but waited till I was asked. I was the next day, of course my Ex heard about this and told people I was going on holidays. I didn't pay my way or go anywhere once I got there.
On my way there I was held up in Halifax for 24 hours because of plane issues. It took 5 hours to change our tickets and get vouchers. In the line I met a wonderful British Man Mark and his Son Jordan. We hit it off immediately, joking and making light of the fact were had all been awake now for 24 hours. We got things changed and were told to head to the end of the airport for a taxi. Just then I spotted one doing a drop off at the nearest door to us. I said come on fellas I'll see if he is heading back to the city. Thank god he was. We got in and Mark asked Michelle the taxi driver to look at our vouchers he is sure were going to different places, I said no its 2 hotels in one, He still argues and Michelle agrees he knows where we need to go. Finally Mark believes me. Michelle turns to me and asks how long have you 2 been married. I said were not I just picked them up in the airport. He had a good laugh about it. We all chatted easily on the 45 minute ride to the city. 
Michelle called my phone so we would have his number the next day he offered to take us a driving tour in the afternoon. Sounded great to us. While in line at the hotel Mark says to me is your name Sandra. I turned and looked at him and said I didn't tell you my name. He held up my hotel voucher apparently Michelle mixed them up. LOL  

I open my phone and notice a missed call, I say darn I missed a call. Mark says didn’t Michelle call and hang up, oh yeah he did, just then he is calling. I answer he says Jordon left his back pack in the back seat. Do we want him to bring it by now or give it to them later when we go for the drive.  I ask Jordan and he would like it now, so Michelle says he will bring it on his next trip back from the airport. It’s now 6:30 am we get in our rooms. I go to brush my teeth and discover that my shampoo has exploded in my make up bag, in my toothbrush and hair brush, it took me ages to wash it out. I got my pjs on and just laid down, its now nearly 7am. I hear a knock on the door. Its Jordan he wants to know if Michelle came back yet. I try to call him, no answer I assume he is driving. So I send a text, and tell Jordan I will let him know when I hear back from him. 15 minutes later he calls to say he dropped it off. Then I spend 10 minutes trying to reach Jordan and Mark to tell them but they keep hanging up on me, guess they didn’t know how to use a hotel phone.  I decide I might better take a hot bath as my back is sore from no sleep and standing in line to much. Its now 8 am so I figure I may as well try to eat something, I head to the breakfast buffet. I had some fruit and yogurt. I’m really to tired to eat. I decide that maybe I can lay down now and nap. I just get settled in and a knock comes to the door again. For gods sake can a girl not close her eyes for 30 minutes. It’s housekeeping, she wants to know when I am checking out. I had to work hard to refrain from bad language but I had had it, I said I just got here 2 hours ago and they said he had till noon. Oh she says sorry, I guess you were the people from the plane last night. I said yes we are. So by now its 9am and I decide I'm awake again and better see where the boys are. They are down eating, looking as tired as I am. I offer to take them on a walking tour of Halifax and they agree, They shower and I have the hotel hold our bags for us and off we go by 10 am. We walk and chat for hours poor Jordan is so tired he lost his brekky. Mark i discovered is a diabetic and all the walking is causing his sugar to go out of wack, farmers aren't use to walking they ride quad bikes or tractors. LOL  We head for lunch and finish up about 1 pm and Mark says do you think that taxi guy was serious about the driving tour. I said all I can do is call. He said I'll be there is 10 minutes.He was and we picked up our luggage and headed for Dartmouth. He drove us around for 4 hours before taking us back to the airport. We gave him a tip and had hugs all around. 

Now the reason I told this story was these 2 men did more for my self esteem than my EX ever did. They couldn't believe I was going to Scotland to help a family I didn't know. I said God spared my life for a reason 10 years before and I try to give back where I can. I help and old fella all summer so he can enjoy his time on the lake, it could be his last year. My ex has always hated my good deeds. It took time from him his jealousy always showed.

I still keep in touch with both these men, as its said people come into our lives for a reason, they are both like family now. I know I could talk to them about anything and they would have my back, something I could not count on with my own brothers.

Moving On

July 27, 2018

Its been a rough couple of weeks I have to say.  More crap from the ex, more paperwork to get. I can't remember feeling so anxious or upset over having to do this kind of stuff. I felt week, belittled and beaten by his lawyers last letter. I know I shouldn't take it personally but its hard not to when your character is being assassinated. Then I think where is she getting her information. Oh yeah I know, then I think how could he. Says allot about his character.

Him feeling he had to tell me about his gambling was just a ply to suck me in and see if I still cared. I almost got sucked in, but at the end of the day this is no longer my issue. It's his he needs to deal with it once and for all, so I passed the information on to his children. Maybe they won't turn a blind eye anymore and will arm themselves with the information they need to convincew him to get help.

He keeps blaming my lawyer for taking to long responding to his. He knows I am having to use our line of credit now. It's hard to live on 1000 a month when physio alone costs 500. Yet he can afford to blow 1000 a month in slot machines. He thinks I am desperate to settle, but I won't take less than I am owed.

A friend said this to me a while ago about all this crap:
"They are trying to wear you down petal!! They are hoping, because he's conveyed your vulnerabilities, that you will get desperate and settle... It's such a friggen evil ploy, but that's the job his lawyer has been hired to do.... Think about it, mind games and manipulation...narcissistic attitudes.. Sound familiar?" Boy does it ever sound familiar.
More wise words from my friend "It's a jagged road my sweet, and you are recovering from a lot...not just the dipshit here, but your ex there... It all compounds, and it's natural that it overwhelms you... The things we cry a lot over, are the things that hurt us the most. Whilst we are in that state, look for the lesson. It's when we have learned and understood, that we take that strength back. There is a lot to be said for letting go, when you hurt so much. None of what happened to you was your doing. Give back the onus of terror and abuse. Gather the goodness and harmony that surrounds you now, that is your armour....
I thanked her for this reminder and she came back with this "I believe the the most important thing I can say to you is, it was all real, it didn't just happen in your head. You are one of the most level headed people I know... People screwed you over, but no more. You are captain, the leader, the warrior, and the bestest friend anyone could ask for...xxxxx

I do need to take back my life, it doesn't matter that other people don't understand or get why I left. What matters is that I regain my self esteem and begin to feel beautiful again. That's hard to do when you have been with someone for 17 years that wouldn't be intimate with you and it hurts even more that you fought for your life and he still couldn't bring himself to look at you or touch you. Life's to short, so I packed 2 suitcases and left.
Today's Quote:

Summer

July 9th 2018

So far we have had lots of warm weather some has been unbearable. So it gave me time to work on painting projects. I have to admit I did get a little cabin fever.
I've been going through some emotional stuff, allowing someone to suck me in with his problems. I really shouldn't care that he is lonely and depressed and has turned back to gambling, but its the years of being married to someone that can often make you still care. I try telling myself that its not my monkey not my circus. And to let the quilt go, its not my fault he had this problem long before I came along. I suggested counselling, but he says he took a long look in the mirror and he has it under control again. I've been hearing this for years. 
I tried to get into see my councilor but they had no apts available so I talked to a friend. She helped me through it. 
I find I am having some issues with anxiety after stopping cymbalta. I had an invite a while ago for dinner and a movie with some friends and just the though had me in utter agony and nausea so I cancelled and all the anxiety went away  I had a similar experience this weekend, I had a bbq to go to and the nausea came back. I decided to press on and went to the bbq, the closer I got the nerves went away and so did the nausea. I had a fantastic time and am looking forward to getting out and listening to the group from the bbq play music.

I played my first game of golf in 2.5 years and was feeling anxious then to. Once I got on the course I did ok, a 64 for 9 holes, my putting let me down. I will get out there and do it again real soon. 

So all in all I am managing ok, still working on the separation stuff, some days it upsets me others it pisses me off. I feel I have lost so much and am not sure when or where I will begin to rebuild my life. What does tomorrow hold for me? I still feel like I am in a cocoon at times and I have no idea when I will make my way out and spread my wings.
Only god knows, so for now I will let go and let god guide me.
Today's Quote: